Kavalier Calm's Crowdsource Inspiration

I'm KC, The People's Bard. I write songs and poems inspired by the people I meet on the internet. Ask, and I’ll write something for you.
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  • Reblogging a song I first posted two years ago. It was a collaboration with CI’s own Clementine. Tell me with a little polish that this couldn’t be a single on the radio.

    (Source: crowdsourceinspiration)

    I wrote a song for my favorite cash-only, dive bar in DC, Red Derby, in thanks for all the shots and beers and memories. Free downloads of this bluesy tune are here. Enjoy, friends. — Kavalier

         A Shot and a Beer

    I pulled up to the bar,
    head hung low.
    I had places to be
    but no reason to go.
    And the barkeep said,
    "My man, lift your head.
    Wash away your doubt and fear
    with a shot and a beer.
    You’ll feel right at home.

    They only take cash;
    there’s no record of your sin.
    They’re the bar everyone knows,
    but no one’s ever been.

    When spring comes, I find myself writing more blues and rock songs. I think it’s a symptom of being twitterpated. It’s like dreamy, sad folk songs are my hibernation soundtrack, and then I wake up with hunger and tensions that must be furiously expressed.

    Clementine has been busy on the road in a traveling circus, so she had to take a hiatus from writing for CI. She recently took the time to send me this awesome cover of Jack White’s “Love Interruption”. I just had to share it with you all. — KC

    I asked the awesome blogger Loenie at porcelaineskulls to be my muse. She asked me to write a song about bacon. Yes, bacon. I don’t think people understand that I’m serious when I say I’ll write a song about anything. You just have to ask. Enjoy, Leonie, and all you other bacon fans out there. Free downloads of this rip-roaring blues song are here (just enter $0 as price). — Kavalier Calm

          My Baby Love Me Like A Piece Of Bacon

    Well, my baby loves me like a piece of bacon.
    Her hungry eyes stare at me ‘til I am shakin’.
    And I was cut just to satisfy her needs.
    She fries me til I am nice and crispy.

    Well, my baby loves me like a piece of meat.
    She puts me in her pan and turns up the heat.

    Well, my baby loves me like a piece of steak.
    She wants me raw, wants me fresh, and what she wants, she takes.
    VERSE 1

    Elijah Cash was inspired to write another song by the good people at The Getaway, our favorite bar in DC. This tune is for a particular snarky server, though Eli promises this is the most harmless of flirting. When we were drinking there Thursday night, they played Eli’s first song for the bar, and it was fun to see people enjoy our work. Eli asked our waitress and Jeremy the owner for a new song idea; she said, “write about a snarky server,” and he said, “use the phrase ‘Jeremy the owner.’” Done and done. Jeremy warned Eli to curb his enthusiasm, to not overdo it; he said bands stay cool and exclusive by releasing songs every three years, like Radiohead. But that isn’t CI’s style. We are about quantity, baby. We have a raging, burning fire to create, and nothing should stop it. That’s why we’ve decided Eli’s next EP will by titled The Getaway; it will be a compilation of songs about that bar and drinking in general. A perfect theme. Stay tuned. And enjoy these blues, friends! — K.C.

         The Only One I Want In My Net

    When I asked you where you’re from, I liked to watch
    the small talk spill from your mouth.
    You’re a worldly woman, and all of your charms
    cast a spell on this boy from The South.

    And Jeremy the owner says I don’t stand a chance,
    but you’ve never met a man like me.

    All my friends know I think you’re cute,
    and all my friends know I come here to see you.
    And you can be the snarky server all you want.
    It won’t make me give up the hunt.
    I promise I’ll be flirting until last call,
    if you just make all my drinks tall.
    I just learned your name, and now I want to know more—
    dive a little deeper with each pour.

    You are quite a catch, so the question is:
    have you been caught yet?
    There are lots of fish drowning in this bar,
    but you’re the only one I want in my net.

    I first got the idea to write a song for Princess Zelda from Meagan Marie, who gave me a list of strong female #gaming characters worthy of devotion (I wrote a song for Lara Croft first). When I was reading the reception section of Zelda’s wiki, I saw that one publication critically called her an “iconically passive female trophy”. I don’t buy this idea one bit. Sure, we rarely get to control her as players, which makes our relationship with her inherently passive; but I don’t think needing Link’s help makes her passive. A good leader knows when she needs help and isn’t afraid to ask for it. In my estimation, Zelda is constantly sacrificing for the people of Hyrule. She deals with threats to her kingdom, generation after generation, with intelligence and humility. I see a strong, independent woman. Why else would the romance between she and Link still be ambiguous after all these years? She doesn’t need a man. It’s just that sometimes, when she’s in a scrap, she needs a hero.

    As with my other #gaming songs, I aimed to write lyrics full of subtle references to games and characters, while remaining generic enough to be engaging for non-gamers. This song is about a princess (Zelda) who is against the arranged marriage set up for her with a bad man (Ganondorf); so she sings about the man of her prophetic dreams (Link), a man who will help her defend her kingdom without trying to control it or her. Fans of the Legend of Zelda series will appreciate the opening guitar riff and the many lyrical references to the games. Strong women will appreciate the sentiment of trying to find a good man who isn’t controlling.

    I devote this song to Meagan Marie for the initial request, and to these blogs with awesome Legend of Zelda content: simply-zelda, zeldagrove, f***yeahlink, f***yeahhyrule, sexandzelda, linksinflatedego, triforceofawesome, legendofzeldaseries, and f***yeahprincesszelda. Thank you, bloggers; your content was instrumental (pun intended) in my songwriting! This song is available for free download here (just put 0 as purchase price), and you can stream it/comment on YouTube here. Enjoy, friends! And if you do, please share my work with others. — Kavalier Calm

         Missing Link

    I don’t want to wed the King of Evil,
    no matter how big his dowry is.
    I don’t need the Triforce of Wisdom
    to know he grants a Death wish.
    Dark clouds billow over me as I dream;
    and I’m waiting for the sun, for my man in green.
    He won’t want to rule over me or my people;
    no, he’ll be our chain mail’s missing link.

    I don’t know why I have to marry that boar;
    father knows I love to wield the Master Sword.
    Maybe I’ll hide as a shiek in some far off land,
    so I don’t have to take that man’s hand.
    And I can hear my hero’s music, his ocarina of time,
    and I can see his blonde hair when I close my eyes.
    He won’t want to rule over me or my people;
    no, he’ll be our chain mail’s missing link.

    Now I might be a Twilight Princess, but that don’t mean I’m weak.
    I just need a hero like every queen before me.
    Oh, we can’t let our world turn dark.
    We need a hero to bring us a spark.

    And I can feel him, our hope, I know he’s near.
    And he’ll help us fight off all of our fears.
    He won’t want to rule over me or my people;
    no, he’ll be our chain mail’s missing link.

    I put out a query for requests last night, and when I got home from work a couple hours ago, I saw this great idea from macharpermusic:

    Write about something contradicting. Something that isn’t what it is.

    I wrote this tune quickly, about a good girl who isn’t really so good, and asked Eli to perform it. We recorded in just a couple takes, so it’s raw. Special thanks to Mac for the idea; everyone should go check out her music, too! And thanks to everyone else who gave us ideas. We hope you all enjoy it. — K.C.

         Good Girl

    Everyone tells me you are too good for me,
    but they don’t know you like I do.
    Even my mother says I don’t deserve
    a god-fearing woman like you.
    They don’t know that you hide
    red lipstick in your purse,
    and they don’t know that you like to steal
    kisses behind the drug store.

    Baby, I’d like to help you show them the truth.

    You ain’t the good girl they think you is.
    I’ve seen cigarettes dangle from them lips.
    Oh, the Good, Good Lord knows
    you ain’t all His.
    You hold your liquor as well as
    you hold your Bible.
    Your preacher father
    wouldn’t recognize this child.

    Baby, just love me, forget what they wish;
    in the pew on Sunday, give me a kiss.
    I’ll bring your night life out in the daylight,
    and then they’ll see we are right
    for each other.

    When I first played Final Fantasy VII as a 13-year-old, a part of me really did love Tifa. She was tough and smart, and she really cared for Cloud. I remember envying Cloud during that flashback with he and Tifa sitting by the well in Nibelheim. I wanted a girl to ask me to be her hero. I think most boys have the heroic capacity; we are all just waiting for a girl to ask. But Cloud blew it! When he first sees Tifa again in Midgar, he is distant and acts like he’s too cool. Well, this song’s lyrics are what Cloud should have said—what I would have said if I found my childhood love working in a bar in the Sector 7 Slums. True fans of this classic will catch all the lyrical references and recognize the bits of music I borrowed from the game for the intro and outro. And don’t miss the chocobo’s wark!  I devote this song to the many awesome Tifa/FF7 blogs I read during my research: awyeahtifa, nibelheimsweetheart, lockhartsenpai, barmaid-tifalockhart, sweettifalockhart, badass-barmaid, finalheaven, cloudxtifa, clotiheaven, victoryfanfare, finalfantasyviiforever, a-false-memory, and just-use-a-phoenix-down. Thanks for the inspiration, bloggers! Free downloads of this track are here, and you can stream it/follow us on YouTube here. Enjoy everyone! — Kavalier Calm

         Final Heaven

    Tifa, a girl like you don’t belong in a place like Midgar.
    Don’t you know the ceiling is going to fall in on this bar?
    Run away with me, and I’ll take you to Costa del Sol and Gold Saucer.
    Oh, if you want, we can start a chocobo farm.

    Tifa, darling, how long you gonna work this dive?
    I can give you a better life.
    I can be your cloud, your cloud 9, your lucky number 7.
    I can be your final heaven.

    I know you’re tough as nails and pack quite a punch.
    But Shinra’s gonna come down hard on Sector 7 and AVALANCHE.
    I want you to look into my mako eyes and know the truth:
    I’ll use this here Buster Sword to protect you.
    I’ve reached my limit, so here comes the break.

    Don’t tell me I lost my chance; I was just a boy when we sat by that well.
    I want to make good on the promise I made beneath those stars.
    I’m your hero, and I’m here to rescue you, Lockhart.
    I’ll do everything in my power to care for your premium heart.

    Question to the Listeners: Are you a bigger Tifa or Aerith fan?

    Here’s a tune hot off the press from Elijah Cash. We devote it, firstly, to the blogger/artist over at maxxiemayhem for sketching our new icon/avatar. She created a visual representation of crowdsourcing inspiration, just as I envisioned it. Those many hands playing that guitar are all of your hands—all you people inspiring us. You should check out the other work on her blog, too. We also devote this post to some cool blogs we just found searching #blues #coming home: music-talks, soulnourishment, and thelifesomewhatartistic. Thanks for posting cool content. Enjoy everyone! — K.C.

         Coming Home To You

    Baby, I’m coming home to you.

    And I understand if you don’t want me back.
    I shouldn’t have fallen for that woman’s tricks.

    And I understand if you lock that door.
    I was a fool for wanting more than you.

    You can ask, why’d I leave.
    And I only got one answer: because I’m weak.

    Tonight’s song is for askylla because her answer to my question made the cut in Eli's lyrics. This is a rough draft; we unfortunately didn't have the time for more than a couple takes. But we are keeping our promise of a song a day. Enjoy, listeners! — K.C.

         Milk and Cookies

    You bring the milk, and I’ll bring the cookies.
    You bring the chocolate, and I’ll bring the strawberries.

    'Cause there's lots of perfect pairs in this world,
    but you’re my only match, the only one
    I can’t get enough of.

    You bring the glove, and I’ll bring the ball.
    You bring the fish, and I’ll bring the rod.

    Baby, I don’t want to be alone anymore.
    You’re the wind, and I’m the clouds, and together we’re a storm.
    Baby, the world’s a stage, and I tire of my soliloquy.
    Act Two is about to start; won’t you be my counter-part?

    You be time baby, and I’ll be the clock.
    You be a cold foot, and I the missing sock.


    I wrote this song because in one AT episode, I want Beemo to save the day. He deserves an epic Bee-moment (ha!). Maybe he’d have to rescue Finn and Jake from a dungeon? And I don’t want him killing Cuties; I want him hamstringing frost giants and gouging out their eyes. Before the battle begins he would load a warrior skills cartridge. Or this song on a cassette. As you listen, imagine Beemo leaping around beheading monsters—because that’s what I do. Special thanks to superskeetospro for providing a ferocious image of Beemo to pair with the audio. This song is dedicated to these Beemo/AT-content blogs: fortheloveofbeemo, b-m-o, fuckyeah-adventuretimee, adventuretimefiction, and shadowofmefisto. — Kavalier Calm

    We all know what sells, right? This song is about who sells it. Eli dedicates this post to these cool blogs we found searching #sells: riverofawesome, beyond-sapphire-eyes, noregretsdude, no-other-way-but-up, iamthemarmaladewalrus, and bertiechattell. We hope you like distortion, friends. — K.C.

         What Sells

    Darlin, your goods live up to their name.
    You wear that dress like a candle wears a flame,
    and I want to be the hot wax pooling at your feet—
    dripping and drowning in your heat.
    I want to buy what sells.

    You don’t got a man; you got a dozen.
    And they all lining up to eat from your hands.
    All that power must come at a cost, honey.
    But the market will bear a price that’s fair.
    And I’m willing to pay for what sells.

    Darlin, I got coin just like them,
    and I don’t want to spend it on any other whim.
    For you, I’ll count out all my shells;
    baby, I want to buy what sells.

    Other boys might be scared—come to you shaking like a leaf.
    But I’ll walk right up to you, sure-footed as a thief.
    Preacher man says I’ll go straight to hell;,
    but I’m deaf to them church bells, sugar, when you’re near
    'cause I want to buy what sells.


    Today’s audio post is dedicated to these bloggers because their answers to our question are a part of the lyrics for this rocking and rolling song: greeneggsetmoi, w0rldescape, mymiseryworld, therealeusheama, and dreamwriteinspire. We are grateful to everyone else that gave answers, too; if you weren’t included, it’s only because we read your answer after we were finished recording! They were all great ideas and may be sung in the future. This song is perfect for improvising; when Eli performs it, he plans to ask women in the room for their name and where they’re from and just go with it. Man, this is upbeat and loud; you should have felt the bed vibrating from the amp when we were recording. (Eli laughed out loud as I typed that sentence.) I hope you all like it rugged and rough. (More laughing.) Turn it up and dance around, friends. — Kavalier

         Singing For Women

    Give me a woman’s name and where she’s from,
    and I’ll write a song that’ll make her come—
    come right into these open arms.

    You say Nicole from Nice, I’ll sing,
    Pardonne-moi, mademoiselle, but can I have a French kiss?
    You say Susie from South Dakota, I’ll sing,
    Sugar, I want to love every iota of you.
    You say Naomi from Wyoming, I’ll sing,
    Why, oh why, aren’t you lying next to me?

    Give me a woman’s name and where she’s from,
    and I’ll write a song that makes her give it up.
    Give it up—her heart. Give her heart up to me.

    You say Brena from Brazil, I’ll sing,
    Baby, I’m ill when you’re not near.
    Nora from Norway, I’ll sing,
    There’s no way I’m leaving here without you next to me.
    You say Sam from Sacramento, I’ll sing,
    Here’s a memento: a night with me.

    Some boys sing for fun, others sing for pocket change.
    But I sing for women each and every day.

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