Kavalier Calm's Crowdsource Inspiration

Hi. I'm Kavalier Calm. I write songs and poems inspired by the people I meet on the internet. Ask, and I’ll write something for you. Really.
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  • Tonight’s post is for the gamer girl at insanelygaming. Mallory’s blog shares wonderful video game images and music, including artsy and funny interpretations of classic gaming themes. Seeing her posts make me remember a not-so-distant past when I feverishly gamed. I smile every time I see an image of Ash Ketchum on her blog. One of my all-time favorite games is the Blue Version of Pokémon for Gameboy. I love that game for the same reason I enjoy a lot of minimalistic music; it is so simple to understand and play, yet profoundly imaginative. I wrote this song today for Mallory because her blog made me remember the good times I had playing that game. When I was a boy, the thought of a girl who played video games seemed more mythological and magical than dragons. So, this song posits a ridiculous way I could get Mallory in my life if I lived in the world of Pokémon, using a Ditto. I think anyone can enjoy this tune, but aficionados of the first-generation Pokémon games will revel in the references (I hope the intro/solo is recognizable). Free downloads of this song can be found here, and you can stream it on YouTube here. — Kavalier Calm

         Ditto

    I’m tired of living a Blue Version life.
    Day after day, everything appears more wild.
    I’m gonna hang up my red cap, and quit the gyms
    'cause I got a plan to fill my life with love again.
    I’m gonna catch me a Ditto and have it read your website.
    And when it transforms into you, I’ll ask it to be my wife.

    Cause I don’t got to catch them all.
    I just got to catch one like you.

    We’ll settle down in Pallet Town, and I’ll build a bird house.
    Pidgeys will come from all around to play in our yard.
    We’ll grow Cut flowers in the garden and go Surf at the beach,
    and we’ll Fish with my Old Rod for Magikarp.
    We’ll go spelunking in caves with our Flash(lights),
    and Dig our escape from all those Zubats.
    CHORUS

    On days you don’t feel special, I’ll brew you elixirs
    to restore your PP (and your feelings for me).
    We’ll teach you how to swallow your laughter,
    so you don’t ever return to your true form.
    I’ll finally be a Master of a household.
    You’ll fill every page of my heart’s Pokédex.
    CHORUS

    Tonight’s post is for Tiffany, a friend of mine and Eli’s who works at the 930 Club in Washington, DC. She did a bit of a favor for us, and we only know one way to return favors: songs. I asked her if we should go acoustic or distortion; she said she likes “electric melodies.” Well, she got them. I wrote the lyrics during lunch today, Eli wrote the song a couple of hours ago, and we recorded it real quick. To bring a few other people in on the fun, this song is also dedicated to these bloggers, for their solid whiskey content: whiskeybackpocketgang, thankyoujackdaniels, whiskeymonologues, whiskeysoaked, and wayfarersandwhiskey. Eli has another song about the power of whiskey, too, which can be heard here. I’d say it’s unhealthy how much we love whiskey, except it’s too delicious to be bad for us. Right? Enjoy everyone. — K.C.

         Electric Melodies for Tiffany

    Tiffany, lots of girls wear black—but few girls wear it like you.
    I love you like I love the night, and so I wrote this tune.

    When we first met, I bought you a drink;
    when you asked for whiskey, I heard my heart break.
    And you told me you love just two things:
    strong drinks and electric melodies.

    Tiffany, if you give me a ticket to your show,
    then I’ll give you a ticket to where you wanna go.
    'Cause I know how to find the two things you like:
    strong drinks and electric melodies.

    Since that first drink, it’s been a fight to get the next.
    Every man in this club thinks they know you best.
    But I know you only want two things:
    strong drinks and electric melodies.

    CHORUS

    REFRAIN

    This track from Eli’s new EP tells the story of a man finding God so he can convince a woman to be with him; it’s a twisting of the classic tale about Robert Johnson selling his soul to the Devil to learn to play guitar. Because of that, we devote this posting to these blogs which recently tagged Robert Johnson: mewithoutmybobbymcgee, rustle-your-jimmies, jabdust, diedindenver, supernaturalmusic, and tellyourfriends. Enjoy everyone. And—as always—if you like it, share it. — K.C.

         For the Girl Behind the Bar

    Well, I was in Mississippi, and I went into a bar.
    I yelled, “‘Tender give me a whiskey,” as I took a seat.
    To my sweet surprise, a pretty little thing brought me my drink.
    And I said, “Hey, baby, why don’t you take a seat?”
    But she laughed as she walked away.
    So I took my shot and went up to the bar.
    And I said, “Hey, baby, what’s it gonna take?”

    She said, “Are you a God fearing man?”
    I thought, I could be if that’s what it takes to get in your pants.
    But I just grinned and said, “Baby, I ain’t afraid of nothing.”
    She said, “If I was yours, you’d be afraid to lose me.
    And a jealous man is the one who beats.”
    With that she turned away and for the first time in my life I prayed:
    Lord, lord, what will it take?

    You know they say Robert sold his soul to the devil just to learn to play guitar.
    Well, I sold my soul to Jesus for the girl behind the bar.
    Oh, Devil, I miss you and all of your sweet sin.
    But I’d trade it all in to be in a Kingdom with her that never ends.

    Tonight’s song was inspired by this compelling photo taken by jorejanus. I went effect heavy for this song (out of character); I wanted wet, thick, and drippy distortion. It just seemed right for that rusty car and that beauty’s rusty hair. This is the CI project’s second collaboration with this photographer; our first can be seen/heard here. I would love to try this with some other photographers’ work; if you have a photo that you think could inspire a song, message me. Enjoy everyone. — K.C.

         Cops and Their Cars

    When the cops showed up,
    we ran down the hill—
    away from the fire and music,
    towards new thrills.

    It was:
    cops and their cars,
    dogs and their yards,
    you and my heart.

    When we found that junkyard
    and heard the barks of a dozen dogs,
    I said we should run,
    but you put your hand on my arm.

    The dogs came close and played at your skirts;
    you whistled to them, and they didn’t make a noise.
    You laughed and sat on the hood of a car;
    the rust matched the red in your hair,
    and the red fire burning at my core.

    CHORUS

    When the junkman came at dawn,
    we ran with the wind,
    we ran with the dogs.
    We made a home in the woods—
    just us, our pets, and our love.

    Hadnot Creek tells the tale of a murderous gypsy/witch, and it is the first track from Eli’s new EP. He learned it while traveling through North Carolina some time ago. It’s not for the faint of heart. We devote this posting to Tess at tesslynch—for her great stories and audio content—and to these blogs with great gypsy content: gypsymess, clutteredgypsy, thedrifterandthegypsy, dreaming-gypsy, thebohemianmuse, and befreeandindividual. Enjoy everyone! And, if you do, share it! — K.C.

         Hadnot Creek

    In the heart of Carolina runs Hadnot Creek,
    home to the Bog Bride: half-Southern, half-Gypsy.
    She’ll lure you in with the smells of her cookin’
    and keep you in the girth of her hips.

    By the cool waters of Hadnot Creek
    lips are moving, but they do not speak.
    Don’t accept her charity;
    the hearts of good men is what she seeks.

    They say she’ll dance ‘til your eyes blur and close.
    They say she’ll sing ‘til your ears become your toes.
    Crawlin’ across the floor, crawlin’ into her arms.
    You’ll be found dead and naked by the end of the week
    in the muddy bend of Hadnot Creek.

    CHORUS

    The Bog Bride’ll end your marriage by takin’ life.
    But some of these boys’d rather die by her pleasure than stay with their wives.
    But if your love is true and lasting, pinch your nose and whistle this tune
    as you walk the waters of Hadnot Creek where the Bog Bride croons, looms, rooms.

    CHORUS

    I’ve written another Disney Princess song, this time a satire about Ariel. This song’s about why I’d rather not fall in love with a mermaid. Sorry, Ariel. This is tasteful humor, I assure you; the lyrics are wonderfully subtle (until the last word). I’m devoting this post to some of my favorite blogs with inspiring LOL/audio content: stream.pleated-jeans, alan-hanson, carolineeand, and kellaroot. Couldn’t go a day without posting for my followers—even though I’m on the road—so I wrote and recorded this in the back seat of my car. The grainy audio has a certain charm at least. My other Disney Princess songs can be found here and here. As always, if you like CI’s work, share it! Enjoy your weekend everyone! — K.C.

         Mermaid, You Ain’t Got The One Thing I Want

    When I fished you out of the ocean, you told me you were on the run—
    from a Sea Witch, from opulence, from the water.
    You begged to be saved, you promised to give me love;
    but Mermaid, you ain’t got the one thing I want.

    Mermaid, you can’t have what I want between
    if you don’t have legs.

    I was trying to catch a meal, and I caught a problem.
    Why would I  take the baggage of a woman without the one joy that follows?
    Something smells fishy and not in the way I like.
    This is a raw deal; your sashima ain’t shaped right.

    CHORUS

    You are a miracle, a rare magic maid,
    but it don’t mean nothing to my common need.
    Sorry, Mermaid, but I’m throwing you back.
    Don’t grab my bait again ‘til you find legs. And a snatch.

    So, I was thinking about Stella Artois (because I like thinking about beer) and realized I could write a song about a foreign girl name Stella. After I finished the lyrics, Eli said he wanted to work with them. Bam! We devote this to a few foreign girls we follow—a-sloth, littledarlin, neuewave, getmeoutofamerica—and to these blogs that recently tagged Stella or blues: missindiependent, yourrollingtrain, floraa-, perpetuallypreoccupied, and kittiesandbeer. Enjoy everyone. And share it with the American boys and foreign girls you know. — K.C.


         American Boys

    Stella, I’ve never been with a foreign girl.
    I don’t know what you’ve felt, what you’ve learned.
    But we American boys have a few talents of our own;
    darling, I’ll show you when we get back home.
    I can show you what American boys are good for:
    a laugh, a dinner, a show, and a moan.
    We American boys have a few tricks up our sleeves,
    and I can show you, darling; it’d be so easy.

    Stella, I know you won’t regret one night with me.
    In fact, you’ll probably beg for more.
    I plan to leave you begging for more of that American boy.

    Yeah, let me whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
    You’ll laugh at my accent, but it’ll make you warm.
    We American boys know how to use our words;
    like keys, turning, turning you on.
    These hands of mine are bruised and broken from years of work;
    but they can be gentle when the job demands.
    American boys know how to use their bodies;
    and, darling, I know how to use yours!

    CHORUS

    Tonight’s love song is for Marceline from Adventure Time. (Score! 10 more campy points!) We almost never watch T.V. at CI (we are too busy writing songs for you beauties); but if we do, it’s Adventure Time or The Regular Show. The music on both shows is ingenious in that it takes common structures, with simple hooks, and pairs them with odd lyrics. They all are instantly stuck in my head. It was a wonderful challenge writing lyrics that are intentionally awkward for this song. Fans of the show will revel in the references and recognize some language (i.e. “emotionally exhausting”). I truly believe if Marceline was real, she’d be the perfect woman; my lyrics explain why. I went for short and sweet with this—just like the tunes in the show. I apologize for all the white noise; the only way to record my Beemo (pictured here) singing b-l-o-o-d was with the mic turned up too loud. I devote this song to Marceline at—marceline-the-queen, marceline-your-vampire-queen, and je-marceline—and to these blogs with great Adventure Time content: adventuretimefan, dettsu, itsliketotallyadventuretime, fyeahadventuretimefanart, adventuretimeconfessions, merryadventuring, and shadowofmefisto. Thank you for the inspiration, bloggers! This song can also be found on YouTube here; free downloads here; and, if you like it, share it! If people really enjoy it, then I may write more songs based on the Land of Ooo. If you have any requests/ideas, message me! — K.C.

         Marceline, Be My Vampire Queen (Part 1)

    Oh, Marceline, be my Vampire Queen;
    it will be emotionally exhausting
    but worth it.

    You may be the only shot I have at love;
    you may be the only one who values the red of my blood.
    And Finn can have Bubblegum—I hate pink, and I hate sweet.
    I want a dark woman who plays electric bass.
    And you may be 1,000 years old, but you’re emotionally unstable like a teen (like me):
    your fry song made me cry for weeks.
    I know about Hambo, I know you feel love.
    And my love only comes in shades of red;
    I’ve got so much, you’ll never be hungry again.

    CHORUS

    "Jake Suit" by davidthejoyner

    When I saw this animation from davidthejoyner today, I instantly thought of the words to this song. This battle cry should be sung every time Finn wears his Jake Suit! Absurd? Yes. But it has a trumpet part! I dedicate this to davidthejoyner for first inspiring me and to Finn at finn-theheroguy for his encouraging words and Finn at askadventurerfinn. If there are any other artists/AT fans out there who have ideas for songs, share them with me. I’m actually learning a lot working on these small tunes (I wrote one for LSP today, too), so I’d like to do more. — Kavalier

         Finn the Barrel-Chested

    He’s Finn the Barrel-Chested!
    He wields a sword; yes, he does!
    He’s Finn the Barrel-Chested!
    He fights for good; yes, he does!

    This is the CI process at its best: I started the week writing a song for a cartoon vampire (the lovely Marceline), and the conversations with bloggers that ensued pushed me down an existential rabbit hole. What would it really be like to love a vampire? Hence, this song. My followers will note this is darker/more serious than most of my work; well, I’d like to have a huge arching career that ends with decades of Leonard Cohen-like music-making (i.e. poetry-level lyricism). We only dream the biggest dreams around here! I devote this tune to these awesome vampire blogs—reasoningwithvampires and fuck-yeah-vampires—and to these Blade Runner blogs—fuckyeahbladerunner, 1187hunterwasser, and fuckyesbladerunner. Whoa, how did I jump from vampires to Blade Runner? Because that film (and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?) are dealing with the same question I am in this song: what is mortality? And my song’s title and the lyrics in the chorus are inspired by this classic moment in the film. So, what would you say if someone you loved offered the opportunity to live with them forever? Here’s my answer. — Kavalier

         Bright Flame

    When you offered me your kiss, it was hard to say no.
    I’d like to stay here with you, leave death’s shadow.
    But I know I love you because I can’t forever.
    I know I want to hold you because my time is short.
    My flame burns bright; yours burns slow and low.

    You’ve seen so many years, time has no meaning.
    But now you’re diluted, there’s no feeling.
    REFRAIN, CHORUS

    You can’t love me as I love you;
    you’ll find another a thousand times over.
    REFRAIN, CHORUS

    This song is for Anonymous. Yes, I got my first Anonymous message today, after months of blogging, and someone very nicely challenged me to try being “‘pop-y’” after fairly noting that much of my work is dull. If you like, you can read the manic crazy response (my excuse making) in the previous post. But really, Anonymous was right. Much of my stuff is dull; especially the vocal work. So, here’s my promise to push the limit a bit going forward. At first I wrote this to be kind of snarky; I was internally doubtful that I could do pop. But I’ll be damned if I don’t like this. A lot. Now I don’t own a drum machine or mess with auto-tune, so this is old school. Like Beatles pop. No joke, I wasn’t sure where to start at first, so I went here and CTRL+F’d the word pop. This song is devoted to my personal Anonymous; it’s about knowing your love is out there, but you haven’t found that person yet—they are anonymous. I also devote it to this important blog about anonymity on the internet—anoncentral—and these Beatles blogs—thebeatlesblog, beatleslulz, beatles-items, october9th1940, beatles-love-forever, and iquitelikethebeatles. Thanks for the inspiration Anon and bloggers! Keep listening, friends, because it’s getting better all the time! — K.C.

         Anonymous

    My love, you’re anonymous,
    and I can’t get you out of my head.
    I ain’t found you yet,
    and I don’t know if I ever will.

    Anonymous, I’ll love you with all my heart—
    it’ll beat for you, just like this drum.

    Anonymous, stop your hiding;
    I’m ready to fall for you.
    Just make yourself known,
    just sweep me off my feet.

    Anonymous, I’ll love you with all my heart—
    it’ll sing for you, just like this guitar.

    Link: Current Inspiration.

    In this fascinating article about The Beatles’ innovation in music, Juul Mulder argues that with their brave and brash alterations of the standard chord progressions in rock and pop, the Beatles both mirrored and enabled the free and open conversations that became prevalent among young people in the 1960s. Wild thesis and totally believable.

    Tonight’s Adventure Time tune is for the beautiful Flame Princess, and it’s so sweet that non-AT fans (is there such a thing?) will enjoy it, too. I’m going to steal FP away from her father, the grumpy Flame King; we’ll run away together and live happily ever after. I was encouraged by the muse herself to just use my voice, so it’s just two simple tracks. I was smiling the whole time I recorded this. I’m getting better at this beatboxing. Who needs a drum machine when you have a mouth? (Ok, yes, if I had the coin, I’d still get one.) This audio post is devoted to FP, of course, at—asktheprincessoftheflames—and to these two rad blogs with AT content: askadventuretime and bunbubs. Free downloads of this song are available here and you can watch it on YouTube here. My other AT songs are here and here and more are coming. I already have one about LSP in the works and the lyrics for “Marceline, Be My Queen: Part 2”. Enjoy everybody! — K.C.

         FP, Run Away With Me

    Flame Princess, I’m going to steal you from right under your daddy’s nose.
    Run away with me, FP, and I’ll make sure your flame grows.

    We’ll burn every bridge that we pass;
    forget those sad days, forget your past.
    Oh, FP, run away with me across Ooo!

    Our love will burn too hot to be called cool.
    And I’ll make every other princess so jealous of you.

    CHORUS

    Today’s post is for Mitch Welling at flatsound. When CI first got spotlighted a few weeks ago, I checked out most of the featured musicians. And I was horribly underwhelmed—not by the quality of the music (subjectively, I think most is superb, or at least different); no, I was underwhelmed by the amount of audio content. Of course, with CI’s post-a-day goal, I judge quantity as well as quality. And I think that’s fair; too few music blogs are posting enough music to warrant following. But then I found Mitch and his original and real sound project. When he isn’t putting up engaging songs/sound experiments, he’s posting about the process or himself. I, for one, find knowing a bit about the person adds to the listening experience. Followers, you all need to check his work out. It was a real honor to write this for Mitch. I just stared at his blog until this song idea came to me; I borrowed his ever-present theme of drowning, and I aimed for his lo-fi sound. I don’t run on cassettes, sadly, so I had to use the lo-fi effect on my Tascam, which is very harsh. Still, I like the way it turned out. Enjoy everyone, and keep listening. — Kavalier

         sorry and drowning in a puddle

    when you said you weren’t coming back,
    i chased you out that door.
    i slipped a fell face first in the mud
    and swallowed that word, that sorry word.
    i was stupid to let you leave,
    and i’m too stupid to lift my head and breathe.

    what a sad way to go.

    it’s funny what you think of
    when choking on life.
    do you know you left your favorite coat
    in the closet upstairs?
    next to that christmas sweater you got me—
    the one I never wear.
    and i’m too stupid to lift my head and breathe.

    what a sad way to go.

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