Kavalier Calm's Crowdsource Inspiration

I'm KC, The People's Bard. I write songs and poems inspired by the people I meet on the internet. Ask, and I’ll write something for you.
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  • Tonight’s post is for the gamer girl at insanelygaming. Mallory’s blog shares wonderful video game images and music, including artsy and funny interpretations of classic gaming themes. Seeing her posts make me remember a not-so-distant past when I feverishly gamed. I smile every time I see an image of Ash Ketchum on her blog. One of my all-time favorite games is the Blue Version of Pokémon for Gameboy. I love that game for the same reason I enjoy a lot of minimalistic music; it is so simple to understand and play, yet profoundly imaginative. I wrote this song today for Mallory because her blog made me remember the good times I had playing that game. When I was a boy, the thought of a girl who played video games seemed more mythological and magical than dragons. So, this song posits a ridiculous way I could get Mallory in my life if I lived in the world of Pokémon, using a Ditto. I think anyone can enjoy this tune, but aficionados of the first-generation Pokémon games will revel in the references (I hope the intro/solo is recognizable). Free downloads of this song can be found here, and you can stream it on YouTube here. — Kavalier Calm


    I’m tired of living a Blue Version life.
    Day after day, everything appears more wild.
    I’m gonna hang up my red cap, and quit the gyms
    'cause I got a plan to fill my life with love again.
    I’m gonna catch me a Ditto and have it read your website.
    And when it transforms into you, I’ll ask it to be my wife.

    Cause I don’t got to catch them all.
    I just got to catch one like you.

    We’ll settle down in Pallet Town, and I’ll build a bird house.
    Pidgeys will come from all around to play in our yard.
    We’ll grow Cut flowers in the garden and go Surf at the beach,
    and we’ll Fish with my Old Rod for Magikarp.
    We’ll go spelunking in caves with our Flash(lights),
    and Dig our escape from all those Zubats.

    On days you don’t feel special, I’ll brew you elixirs
    to restore your PP (and your feelings for me).
    We’ll teach you how to swallow your laughter,
    so you don’t ever return to your true form.
    I’ll finally be a Master of a household.
    You’ll fill every page of my heart’s Pokédex.

    Team Coco — Today’s song is for Conan O’Brien and everyone else on Team Coco. Conan’s been a constant source of inspiration in my life, as there is no fuel that burns hotter than laughter, and few people make me laugh more than him. This song is devoted to the six best Conan content blogs I’ve found; special thanks to you bloggers and fellow Coconuts for ideas/laughs: conangifs; conan4latenight; conan-confessions; simpleconanthings; conansfallonite; and conina. And, of course, check out teamcoco. Enjoy! — K.C.

         Team Coco

    Being on Team Coco is mighty fun.
    We’ve got a fiery 6’4” mascot.
    He tells his jokes on a certain spot
    right in front of The Basic Cable Band.

    Team Coco is the one for me,
    'cause in the year 2000,
    we’ll still be rocking.

    We don’t need NBC,
    'cause only old people still watch network TV,
    and old people don’t like masturbating bears,
    redheads, or horny manatees.


    Andy Richter as a side-kick is one of a kind;
    Mort from Madagascar’s the only character I like.
    And sometimes I miss Joel,
    but I really miss that Asian man in a Speedo.


    You better join Team Coco,
    or the Ginja Ninja will cut you down.
    Keep cool, my babies. Keep cool.

    This post is for Megan at megandear. Found her blog by accident and was struck by her humor and unique bio (a girl who likes horror movies and video games!?) And those eyes. I couldn’t figure out if they were green or blue, but I enjoyed studying her pictures trying to figure it out. I know I’m not the only one to imagine surviving a zombie apocalypse; but I might be the first to turn the situation into a love song. Enjoy, Megan, and thanks for the inspiration! Free downloads of this track are available here. — K.C.

         My Green Eyed Zombie Killer

    If the Zombie Apocalypse
    comes tomorrow, and I am left for dead,
    I hope I’m left in a musty, dark cellar
    with you.
    We won’t have much besides piles of movies
    (both Romantic and Scary), and a cache of weapons,
    and canned food and Twinkies,
    and an Xbox.

    And every time we push back the brain-eating horde,
    we’ll fall into each other’s arms.
    And I’ll tell you: There’s nowhere I’d rather be
    than here with you, my green eyed zombie killer.

    We’ll spend the hours between Undead surges,
    gaming and laughing and counting ammunition.
    We’ll draw escape plans for all situations,
    though we both never want to leave.

    And every time we push back the brain-eating horde,
    we’ll fall into each other’s arms.
    And I’ll tell you: There’s nowhere I’d rather be
    than here with you, my green eyed zombie killer.

    And if you get infected,
    I’ll deny it with every ounce of my being.
    I’ll tie you down in a chair
    and put on all your favorite movies.

    And every time I push back the brain-eating horde,
    I’ll come as close as I can to your hungry arms.
    And I’ll tell you: There’s nowhere I’d rather be
    than here with you, my green eyed zombie.

    Tonight’s post is about a not-so-nice hipster girl. This is not about all hipsters; in general, I find hipsters to be kind. Plus, they have good taste in music, which is about all it takes to befriend the folks working at CI. But in every hipster crowd there is a character or three like the one in this song. If it all seems too mean—well, it’s self-defacing, too, trust me. This song is devoted to these blogs (and I have a sense that their bloggers are the good kind of hipster): death2hipsters, hipsterssssss, indie-indeed, indiebreakfast, and urbanindiebrownchick. Regular listeners of the CI project will note that this song is more coarse than usual; I am truly sorry if it offends anyone, but the music has a will of its own, and it will not be denied. I will probably re-record this soon with  distortion and a more punk-like driving rhythm. Enjoy! — K.C.

         Hipster Girl

    Who wears scarves in the summer and glasses without lenses?
    Only you and your friends who are too cool to know they ain’t cool,
    with their blogs, rescue cats, unwashed hair, and vegan food.
    You wield the word “obscure” like it’s a fucking trophy.
    And you like to say “you’ve probably never heard of it.”

    Well, I know two things you’ve never heard of;
    they’re called kindness and love.
    And hipster girl, of mine you are getting none.

    You have a state funded college education
    and a credit card or two paid off by mom and daddy.
    So tell me something, darling: how is that indie?


    It’s no coincidence hipster and hypocrite
    have the same beginning.
    And did you know they have the same ending?
    An end of loneliness.


    You know the best thing about this song, girl?
    Everyone who hears it is going to love it,
    and then it’s going to be mainstream to fucking hate you.

    This rock and roll song is about cats. Damn right. Cats. It all started when I mentally twisted the phrase curiosity killed the cat into contentment killed the cat. How can you be content? Don’t you want more, girl? Okay, so this song is really a metaphor about a woman. (No, not Cat Woman, though that’d be cool.) I can’t very well devote this to her, but I can devote it to cats. These are the best cat content blogs I’ve found: fuckyeahcats, postitkitties, meowwwzzzaaa, welovefatcats, cats-ondev, catswearingleashes,  I hope you all enjoy the song. And I hope your cats enjoy it, too! — K.C.  

         Content Kitty

    Contentment killed the cat;
    it wasn’t curiosity.
    And your happiness
    is killing me.

    Come here, kitty, kitty.

    Wipe that smile off your face;
    you don’t have everything you need
    if you don’t have me.

    Today’s song is for Spencer over at oldblueeyes. His blog’s content is genuine, funny, and thoughtful all at once. Since I first found his blog a few weeks ago, I have wanted to write him a song. But no inspiration was coming to me. So I broke the mold and went directly to Spencer—I asked him if anything in his life warranted a song. He said two things: the “silly” situation of his being a filing clerk for a major record label and that he had just had a nice romantic weekend in NYC. I told him I’d work on the filing clerk bit—as it seemed more unique—so he gave me some good details about his job (now in the lyrics). But after I puzzled out the verses late last night, they felt…empty. I needed to fill this filing clerk with a goal, a memory, a…something. So, that romantic weekend became the chorus. This was a pretty quick and dirty recording: the guitar parts are harsh (if I had money I’d get a nylon string with a pick-up), but I like how the second vocal track beefs it up a bit. Thanks for playing along, Spencer. I hope you and anyone else who listens enjoys! — K.C.

         Papercuts: The Life and Times of a Filing Clerk

    The smell of cardboard and paper is always stuck in your hair,
    and you buy extra strength lotion for those dried out hands,
    but you can’t (lotion won’t) heal that dried out soul.
    Papercuts are your prize; filing’s your goal.
    You alphabetize by title ‘til those cabinets are whole—
    whole, unlike you.

    And you daydream about the last time,
    the last time you were with someone;
    how you counted her breaths,
    and she counted yours.
    Oh, her skin didn’t cut; it healed.

    All the other temps are no consolation
    because they mirror all your lonely feelings.
    All those Johns and Jackies gasping for air,
    laughing hollow laughs, sucking on cut fingers
    to hide the blood that proves they are human.
    'Cause they ain't whole, just like you.


    You pray for some distraction—a way to kill the time.
    You treat the mailman like a long, lost friend, and order pizza for the delivery guy.
    And when they have to leave, a part of you dies.
    You try and hold on, ignore that tension leaning towards the door:
    you tell one more bad joke, ask one more big question.
    You’re holding on to what you lost.


    Tonight’s post is for all the Cinderellas in the world! Boys don’t often admit it, but just like girls would enjoy being swept off their feet by a prince, most boys would like to find a princess to do this for. This song realizes that impulse with a modern re-telling of the Cinderella story. It follows the classic story arch of unjust oppression/triumphant reward. I dedicate this song to these blogs with great Disney and princess content: deepdisneyconfessions, walter-disney, the-disney-difference, fuckyeahdisneyfanart, letterstodisney, disneyslove, and beliveindisneyforever.

         Cinderella, I Can Be Your Fella

    When the clock struck midnight,
    you ran out the door.
    You were in such a hurry,
    you left your coat at the bar.
    It wasn’t ‘til then
    I realized you came alone,
    and the key to finding you
    might be that coat.

    Oh, Cinderella,
    I can be your  fella,
    I can be your man.
    We can run away
    together, my queen,
    just take my hand.

    Well, we danced for hours,
    and I bought you a drink,
    and you told me
    you were paying your way,
    living as a maid
    with the ungrateful and rich,
    and you have an itch
    to just run away.


    I remember your laugh,
    and I remember your walk,
    but I don’t remember
    where you said you’re from.
    So I’m gonna take your coat
    to every big house in town,
    and ask for the girl
    that cleans the rooms.

    Fans of this tune might like to know that this song will be a part of a larger album concept, which includes songs for Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and this one for Cinderella. Just send me a message if you’d like a heads up when the digital album is released. Oh, and this is the first project on CI to feature the banjo, played by Elijah Cash. Eli crashed at my place last week after a night of heavy drinking and gambling. He was missing his shirt—which he lost on a dice roll—but had this banjo—which he won on a dice roll. Now we all profit from his winnings. Enjoy! — K.C.

    Tonight’s song is about Sleeping Beauty, sang from the perspective of the Prince. I twisted the circumstances of the classic story to make it a bit more…adult; this certainly isn’t the Disney version. Really, when you think about it, the Prince is in a position to make demands like these. This song is devoted to these blogs with quality Sleeping Beauty/Disney content: fairytalemood, thecouplesofdisney, disneyxovers, dandydisney, disneyprincessfanart, butpeterhowdowegettoneverland, and disneyisawesome. Thanks for the inspiration, bloggers.

         Sleeping Beauty

    I have a white horse,
    and I have a chiseled chin.
    I fought a dragon to climb this tower,
    and I beat the old witch.

    But before I wake you from your slumber,
    I want a guarantee
    that when you wake, you’ll climb right back
    into that bed with me.

    A handsome prince like me
    has so many needs.
    Oh, Beauty, I don’t want to sleep;
    I want to lay you down and dream an active dream.

    I’ll bring flowers to all your godmothers,
    and I’ll never ask you to sew.
    And I am in no rush to get married
    or have an heir to the throne.


    This is my third song about a Disney Princess; if you’d like to hear the others, find them via Popular Songs. Would love to get some requests for other, similar songs. Enjoy everyone! — K.C.

    Cosplayers, this love song is for you. I was first inspired to write a song about cosplay when I saw breams' blog a couple weeks ago. Since then, I have been reading these great blogs for more lyric ideas: gammagahato, fyeakkickasscosplay, fuckyearfinalfantasycosplay, daily-pokemon-cosplays, cosplay-society, loverscosplay, cutecosplayers, and thelittlecosplaythings. I hope all you cosplayers enjoy! Free downloads of this song are available here, and you can stream this on YouTube here. — Kavalier Calm

         More Than Pretend

    When we met, you were so happy
    to meet someone who could play Vash the Stampede.
    When we met, I was just happy
    that somebody was talking to me.

    When we’re together, we play hero and heroine.
    But just once I want to play boyfriend and girlfriend.
    How do I tell you my love is more than pretend?

    We’ve been Aerith and Cloud, Ash and Misty;
    we’ve gone to Comic-con and costume parties.
    You do my make up, and I dye your hair.
    You laugh as I brush it with my hands.


    And you try on your costumes right in front of me.
    Do you think I’m a robot? That I don’t have feelings?
    Well, I can compute every last inch of you,
    and it fills me with joy, and it fills me with hunger.
    A hunger to be real.

    So I go online and buy a bow and arrow,
    a pair of gold boots, and little wings.
    And I go to your room, and I sit you down,
    and at the top of my Cupid lungs, I sing:

    Do you understand? This isn’t pretend.

    And you grab an arrow out of my quiver,
    tuck it under your arm and say, “Yes.”
    And you give me a hug and a kiss on the neck,
    and then I know that we’re more than pretend.

    I wrote this song years ago, before the CI project began—before I was smart enough to realize I wanted to write songs every day. It was written for an old roommate, George, after the real scene detailed in the intro took place. Because this song is about finding love—filling your life with light—I devote it to these blogs: bby-leen and itswhatourheartsareallmadeof (for good thoughts on love in general), temporarynostalgia (because your blog is beautiful and because I want to tell you that you don’t have to wait to find him), onbeingcheesyandpathetic (because that’s what this song is being, really), and lastly to commutermusic (because of your blog’s originality!).  Enjoy everyone! — K.C.

         Do I Need A Lamp?

    George, you need a light
    but not the bulbed kind.
    Don’t just get a lamp at Wal-mart
    because it’s discount priced.
    You need a lantern lady
    to brighten up your days.

    You’ll see soon enough,
    you’ll see in the dark.
    If you find a girl of
    one million watts.
    You need a lantern lady
    to brighten up your days.

    Don’t hesitate, don’t wait,
    everyone is looking.
    And it won’t be long
    until all the good lights are taken.
    Find a lantern lady
    to brighten up your days.

    Come on everyone,
    let’s shed our light on each other.
    We don’t need lamps
    made in factories in China.

    Come on everyone,
    shed your light.

    Zombies, sex, and a beautiful face are the three topics for this rock song. When I hinted to Bella over at elusivezombie that I wanted to write her a song, I asked which of those three topics I should focus on. She said, “I dislike restricting artists.” What a lovely answer. Thus, I thought up a way to write about all three. I imagined seeing Bella in a coffee shop and what type of story it would take to get her to come home with me. The one in the lyrics just might work. Her only request was distortion, and I gave her heaps of it. I took snippets of language from her poetic blog, like “cozy lies,” “teeky,” and the idea of love-making as a “flow.” Bella, thank you for the inspiration. This post is also devoted to i-heartzombies (who requested a zombie song just last night), to zombiepussyliquor and zombieslaughter (hot zombie lovers like Bella), and to nixombie, zombie-island, and zombiemania (good zombie content blogs)!! When I started this songwriting project, I didn’t know I’d write a zombie-based love song, let alone two. Maybe there will be more? If you want to hear the first one, also, go here. — K.C.

         Cozy Lies

    You are sipping on coffee
    and reading a book on the films of George A. Romero.
    I study your face like it is the first I’ve ever seen,
    with dark eyes like windows,
    and dark curls like frames.

    And I know you are my muse.
    And I know I have to have you,
    and to get you, I’ll tell cozy lies.

    I sit down and tell you I have a secret.
    You humor me and look up from your book.
    I tell you I work in a lab,
    a medical lab, and tomorrow is our big day,
    when we release the virus, a zombie virus,
    and infect the whole population.
    Your eyebrows raise and you cover your mouth
    with your hand all in mock surprise.


    You are too beautiful to suffer this fate, I exclaim.
    I have the vaccine, and you’re the only one I want to save.
    I have the vaccine, and it’s back in my room, hidden under my bed.
    Come with me, and I’ll give it you; I’ll give you all I have.

    So we teeky back to my room,
    and I give you the cure right there on my bed,
    all the cure I’ve got, until you feel far from dead.
    Until we flow, flow together, and feel far from dead.
    And we lay, cozy and living out my lie.

    The red ring of death. This song is for anyone who’s experienced this tragedy. I was crushed the first time it happened to me; sure, it’s not too difficult to get a new Xbox 360, but I built a relationship with that specific piece of hardware. I was sad to retire it. This song could be about a lover; but Xbox players will enjoy the metaphors. For listeners who don’t intuitively recognize subtle emotional satire, this is a joke—just like the emotional intensity in my zombie apocalypse love song. I hope everyone enjoys it; I’m slowly rounding out my album of songs for gamers, geeks, and other nerds. I dedicate this tune to these awesome Xbox/gaming blogs; I’ll bet these bloggers understand the sadness in this song: girlsonxbox, x-360, brogamer, geeksngamers, pwnlove, gamefreaks, and dotcore. Free downloads of this song are available here, and you can listen to it on YouTube here. — Kavalier

         The Red Ring of Death

    You used to respond when I pushed your buttons;
    you’d hum and get hot,
    and we’d play for hours, on the bed, on the couch,
    from dusk ‘til dawn.
    We’ve been on an adventure or two:
    Angel, I rode your Halo through space;
    and we lived a fairytale, a Fable;
    you were my Lady Grey.

    But all at once, you put up a wall:
    a red ring of silence—the death of our love.

    And I thought we could save the world;
    in fact, we did a dozen times.
    But now you won’t respond to me;
    who will stop the Locust Horde?
    You committed Grand Theft—
    Auto-matically stealing my heart—
    when you went cold to my touch;
    oh, you can’t refurbish such hurt.


    Now I’m heartless and homeless,
    looking for a new box to settle in.
    I’ll trade in your memories, pawn all your stuff,
    and find love again.

    I’ve written another Disney Princess song, this time a satire about Ariel. This song’s about why I’d rather not fall in love with a mermaid. Sorry, Ariel. This is tasteful humor, I assure you; the lyrics are wonderfully subtle (until the last word). I’m devoting this post to some of my favorite blogs with inspiring LOL/audio content: stream.pleated-jeans, alan-hanson, carolineeand, and kellaroot. Couldn’t go a day without posting for my followers—even though I’m on the road—so I wrote and recorded this in the back seat of my car. The grainy audio has a certain charm at least. My other Disney Princess songs can be found here and here. As always, if you like CI’s work, share it! Enjoy your weekend everyone! — K.C.

         Mermaid, You Ain’t Got The One Thing I Want

    When I fished you out of the ocean, you told me you were on the run—
    from a Sea Witch, from opulence, from the water.
    You begged to be saved, you promised to give me love;
    but Mermaid, you ain’t got the one thing I want.

    Mermaid, you can’t have what I want between
    if you don’t have legs.

    I was trying to catch a meal, and I caught a problem.
    Why would I  take the baggage of a woman without the one joy that follows?
    Something smells fishy and not in the way I like.
    This is a raw deal; your sashima ain’t shaped right.


    You are a miracle, a rare magic maid,
    but it don’t mean nothing to my common need.
    Sorry, Mermaid, but I’m throwing you back.
    Don’t grab my bait again ‘til you find legs. And a snatch.

    Tonight’s love song is for Marceline from Adventure Time. (Score! 10 more campy points!) We almost never watch T.V. at CI (we are too busy writing songs for you beauties); but if we do, it’s Adventure Time or The Regular Show. The music on both shows is ingenious in that it takes common structures, with simple hooks, and pairs them with odd lyrics. They all are instantly stuck in my head. It was a wonderful challenge writing lyrics that are intentionally awkward for this song. Fans of the show will revel in the references and recognize some language (i.e. “emotionally exhausting”). I truly believe if Marceline was real, she’d be the perfect woman; my lyrics explain why. I went for short and sweet with this—just like the tunes in the show. I apologize for all the white noise; the only way to record my Beemo (pictured here) singing b-l-o-o-d was with the mic turned up too loud. I devote this song to Marceline at—marceline-the-queen, marceline-your-vampire-queen, and je-marceline—and to these blogs with great Adventure Time content: adventuretimefan, dettsu, itsliketotallyadventuretime, fyeahadventuretimefanart, adventuretimeconfessions, merryadventuring, and shadowofmefisto. Thank you for the inspiration, bloggers! This song can also be found on YouTube here; free downloads here; and, if you like it, share it! If people really enjoy it, then I may write more songs based on the Land of Ooo. If you have any requests/ideas, message me! — K.C.

         Marceline, Be My Vampire Queen (Part 1)

    Oh, Marceline, be my Vampire Queen;
    it will be emotionally exhausting
    but worth it.

    You may be the only shot I have at love;
    you may be the only one who values the red of my blood.
    And Finn can have Bubblegum—I hate pink, and I hate sweet.
    I want a dark woman who plays electric bass.
    And you may be 1,000 years old, but you’re emotionally unstable like a teen (like me):
    your fry song made me cry for weeks.
    I know about Hambo, I know you feel love.
    And my love only comes in shades of red;
    I’ve got so much, you’ll never be hungry again.


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