Kavalier Calm's Crowdsource Inspiration

I'm KC, The People's Bard. I write songs and poems inspired by the people I meet on the internet. Ask, and I’ll write something for you.
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  • Cosplayers, this love song is for you. I was first inspired to write a song about cosplay when I saw breams' blog a couple weeks ago. Since then, I have been reading these great blogs for more lyric ideas: gammagahato, fyeakkickasscosplay, fuckyearfinalfantasycosplay, daily-pokemon-cosplays, cosplay-society, loverscosplay, cutecosplayers, and thelittlecosplaythings. I hope all you cosplayers enjoy! Free downloads of this song are available here, and you can stream this on YouTube here. — Kavalier Calm

         More Than Pretend

    When we met, you were so happy
    to meet someone who could play Vash the Stampede.
    When we met, I was just happy
    that somebody was talking to me.

    When we’re together, we play hero and heroine.
    But just once I want to play boyfriend and girlfriend.
    How do I tell you my love is more than pretend?

    We’ve been Aerith and Cloud, Ash and Misty;
    we’ve gone to Comic-con and costume parties.
    You do my make up, and I dye your hair.
    You laugh as I brush it with my hands.


    And you try on your costumes right in front of me.
    Do you think I’m a robot? That I don’t have feelings?
    Well, I can compute every last inch of you,
    and it fills me with joy, and it fills me with hunger.
    A hunger to be real.

    So I go online and buy a bow and arrow,
    a pair of gold boots, and little wings.
    And I go to your room, and I sit you down,
    and at the top of my Cupid lungs, I sing:

    Do you understand? This isn’t pretend.

    And you grab an arrow out of my quiver,
    tuck it under your arm and say, “Yes.”
    And you give me a hug and a kiss on the neck,
    and then I know that we’re more than pretend.

    For awhile now, I’ve been trying to think of another Poke-themed song (“Ditto" was my first). Tonight I was reading the great poke-problems blog, and all I could think about was the HM problem in the games; it was always so lame to waste one of a quality Pokemon’s four precious move slots on an HM, but it was also annoying having some HM-only Pokemon and constantly having to switch them out at a Poke-center. And then it hit me; I could write a song using all of the wonderful HM/TM names in the lyrics! So, I decided to write a love song—about how nothing could keep me from my girl—and I used most of the First Gen HMs/TMs as lyrics. This was so fun to write because the move names are so diverse. For your edification, in the lyrics below I capitalized all the words referring to a Poke-move. The best part about this, is someone that knows zilch about Pokemon would just think it’s another love song. I devote this song to poke-problems, fypokemon, pokemon-mind-control, allpokemonallthetime, and all-that-is-pokemon—great blogs! Enjoy everyone! Free downloads of this song can be found here, and it can be found on YouTube here. If you like it, share it (Twitter, Facebook, etc.); and if you have an idea for another song, message me! — Kavalier Calm

         No Substitute

    Baby, if you’re ever kidnapped;
    I’ll do everything in my power to get you back.
    Because you have no Substitute.

    If you’re taken by a ninja,
    I’ll do the Swords Dance with him;
    give him my Rage, my Dragon Rage.
    I’ll Body Slam, Skull Bash, and Seismic Toss him.

    If a prince tries to woo you away
    with his throne and his big Pay Day,
    Swift as a Thunderbolt, I’ll be there to Counter
    with my Strength. Yeah, I’ll beat him into Submission!

    If a wizard grabs you and Teleports away,
    I’ll Fly, Dig, and Surf over every piece of this earth,
    until I find him. And when I do I’ll Reflect his Psychic spells
    until his mind’s Softboiled and Toxic,
    oh, until that Dream Eater is dead.

    And, darling, if a dragon flies off with you,
    I will hunt him down.
    And our battle will be so epic,
    it will shake the ground.
    There’ll be Earthquakes, Fire Blasts,
    Rock Slides, Explosions, and the sounds of Thunder.
    And when he tries to Take me Down
    I’ll give him a lethal Tri Attack:
    Water Gun, Razor Wind, and Bubblebeam—
    I’ll make a Blizzard out of him.


    Tonight’s song is in response to a special request from Lydia over at find-the-light-in-the-darkness. She asked that I write a song about tattoos and challenged me to give it some jazzy edges. I spent Sunday morning reading up on basic jazz theory and came up with solid chord progressions/riffs. But I really wanted to push it on the vocals—take jazz-like risks. I managed it, especially as the song fades out with layered vocal tracks. And now I’m super grateful for Lydia’s request because I feel I’ve knocked down a mental roadblock I had about my own voice; I didn’t know I could sing a song like this, and now I do. Now, if I only knew a drummer with some brushes…This song is devoted to Lydia and, because of the extended inky metaphor in the lyrics, I’m also devoting it to these great tattoo content blogs: notattoosdienaked, fyeahtattoos, tattoos, fuckyeahtinytattoos, and tattoosong. Enjoy everyone! — Kavalier


    I’ve been looking for a girl to give my ink—
    a woman just like you.

    I’d like to make you permanent,
    etch your name deep in my skin.
    Mark me, sugar, brand me as yours,
    'cause that's what I is.

    Baby, I’d like to give you my ink,
    cover you from head to toe.
    I’d like to make a tattoo out of you.
    Oh, live with me until I die.


    Most things aren’t meant to last:
    bonds break and knots fray.
    But this promise I make won’t be erased.
    I’d like to make a tattoo out of you.

    After reading The Picture of Dorian Gray, it is difficult to grasp what Oscar Wilde’s true feelings on aestheticism and Hedonism were; he was likely uncertain himself. Given Dorian’s tragic death, I want to say Wilde doubted the idea of a life of vice and art for art’s sake; but in the preface to the book, he writes gems like “no artist desires to prove anything.” Whether Wilde truly agreed with the sentiments in the preface or not, they are self-defeating. To say artists are not trying to prove anything is, in fact, a claim that demands proving; this is an inescapable catch-22 that aesthetes cannot conquer. And yet, maybe Wilde attempted such a conquering with his novel; by having characters tout so many counter-intuitive philosophies simultaneously, readers are left wondering what the moral is—which is, in some ways, the same as there being none whatsoever. It seems as if the book proves nothing. Except I do feel a point in the story because while my head wonders, my heart knows: Dorian’s life and death are tragic things. Tonight’s song is an audio rebuttal to many sentiments in Dorian Gray. I believe in didactic art, art that has a point. I am always making a point when I create. Always. Now, I do not claim my view is right (I’m doubtful there even is such a thing as right and wrong); rather, I want to prove that my view/idea/emotion merely is—that it exists—and, in existing, is valid. The best part of this creation is that the lyrics make a point about making a point, thus achieving a double whammy of an up-yours to aesthetes. I dedicate this post to these great blogs with Oscar Wilde/book content: fuckyeahoscarwilde, oscarwildeassembly, owildeapproves, and fitzfaustus. This was fun, so if you listeners have any other pieces of fiction that you’d like to hear a song about, make a request! — Kavalier

         The Song of Dorian Gray

    Lord Henry certainly is a fascinating fellow,
    with his mouth full of Hedon’s jello
    and endless chatter about pleasing the senses.
    And narcissist, you soaked it up:
    every word of that yellow-covered book.
    Now you’re against nature,
    and it’s against you.

    Dorian, you Faustian devil,
    Sibyl’s death was not a one act play;
    and it was you, not the knife
    who took Basil’s life away.

    The point is, you can’t escape blame.
    The world doesn’t happen to you;
    you happen to the world
    and everyone around you.
    We aren’t objects;
    we aren’t just stones.
    We are a living, breathing,
    destiny shaping gods on thrones.

    The choice is you,
    you are what you choose.
    If there’s no point to what you do
    then, Dorian, why do

    Tonight’s song is for Ratohnhaké:ton (aka Connor Kenway) from the upcoming Assassin’s Creed 3 game, which I can’t wait to play. I recently contacted the guys at the awesome On The Level Gaming blog to see if they had any song ideas, and they gave me great ones, including:

    We pitched around the idea of a song on upcoming Assassin’s Creed 3’s protagonist Connor Kenway.  Possibly something about how most people can’t pronounce his proper Indian name Ratohnhake:ton (pronounced Ra-doon-ha-gay-doon).  There’s got to be some comedy gold in there, right?

    I agreed, and tried to mine said gold. It remains unclear how Connor’s story connects to Desmond’s—the overarching story in Assassin’s Creed—so I focused on what we know now (which is very little). To write a song that would logically survive the release of the game, I needed to tell the story of the man, the story of a legendary assassin who fought during the American Revolution. I literally researched about oral tradition and colonial folk music to understand what makes a folk song distinctly American and timeless (à la “Yankee Doodle”). Hence the banjo and the Native-like chanting of the recurring, catchy refrain. Rhythm is essential in such songs, but hand claps are not easy to record; so, I leave it to all of you to clap as you sing along. Along with the bloggers at otlgaming, I dedicate this song to these awesome Assassin’s Creed blogs I read in my research: allsoundsasscreed, f***yeaassassinscreed, thetumblrhoodheadquarters, f***yeah-connor, everythingasscreed, assassinsecrets, and nyiro. Enjoy everyone! If you like my work, share it! Free downloads of this song are here, and you can stream it on YouTube here. And may the Gaming Gods continue to bless America. — Kavalier Calm


    Though he left The Valley of his birth,
    he wears his people’s name at his hips.
    Like a bird among the trees he watches;
    a Mohawk with Eagle Vision.

    Ra-doon-ha-gay-doon, the Redcoats are doomed.

    His moral compass guides him through the snow
    like a wolf’s nose guides him to blood.
    The Templar’s fingerprints are on this war,
    and he will freerun them down for our freedoms.

    The Founding Fathers know they’re outnumbered;
    he is their ally in the shadows.
    A new nation’s fate lies in the balance,
    and he fights to tip the scales.

    Stealthy as a whisper he moves,
    with his tomahawk in hand.
    He’ll scratch out your life
    if you try to take our rights.

    So, gamers, can you spot all the references to Assassin’s Creed?

    Croft and Jones in the Temple of Bones

    When Meagan Marie—who manages Official Tomb Raider Blog—suggested I write songs for the important women in gaming, I realized my whole next song project should be character-centric. I’m slowly building an album of character-based songs. I plan to have an even number of songs for male and female characters, and Meagan gave me a strong list of characters for the female half. I decided to write for Lara first because she is one of my favorite characters ever. Writing these #gaming songs is fun, but I like to think they can have a message. After all, gaming has never been simply about fun for me; I’ve learned much about life when gaming; thus, a song about gaming should achieve the same thing. Megan essentially challenged me to highlight the strengths of women—to create a girl power moment!—and this was a challenge I was ready to take on. I actually believe the distinction between genders is often overblown; in general, I don’t think very much separates men and women. But the women in my life collectively have a few traits that I envy—traits that Lara has exemplified over her career as well. Primarily I mean: infinite patience; an incredible strength of spirit; compassion; and a cleverness, which is often used against me. Both men and women are clever, but I am dumbfounded by feminine cleverness; the women in my life have such subtle and smart tactics to get what they want. They know how to plant seeds, make something they want seem like my own idea, and they know how to ask for things with the slightest whisper of guilt—a feeling that makes me cave every time. Some people will argue about these distinctions I’m drawing, and that’s fine. I only claim they are based on my experiences with women. And I love the women in my life for these traits—these strengths. So, when it was time to write a song about Lara, I imbued her with the qualities I know she has from playing Tomb Raider games, but I also gave her strengths I believe all women have.

    The second important part of this song is my use of Indiana Jones as a foil. When defining characters, it is useful to compare them to someone. In my research I read that Lara was initially designed as a man but was changed to a woman partly because the developers felt that the original design was too similar to Indiana Jones. This got me wondering about the differences between these two world-renowned archaeologists. The song highlights some of their unique characteristics.

    Tomb Raider’s music is beautiful, but it’s orchestral. I am many things, but an entire orchestra is not one of them. So I had to do this my way, and my way is a chugging rhythm and Homeric-like storytelling. The rhythm is constantly leaning forward; it creates the feeling one gets when falling out of a chair. And I am proud of the lyrics; the rhyming, the near-rhyming, the word play, etc. At seven minutes, this is not for those with short attention spans; but considering the immensity of the two characters I am comparing, the length seems fair.

    My devotees are listed in the separate audio post.
         Croft and Jones in the Temple of Bones

    Gather round, ye friends and foes, and I’ll sing the tale of Croft and Jones,
    the tale of two adventurers great who made a wager, a bet for the ages:
    the first to the treasure in the Temple of Bones earns the title:
    Best Archaeologist Ever Known.

    This dungeon is ideal for their bet; the Skeleton King, as DM, is no novice.
    Cursed to a cave with two entryways, he strove to shape a very fair maze.
    Whether raiders enter East or West, they will face the exact same test—
    two paths in a symmetrical tomb, leading to its heart, the throne room.

    At a time on which they both agree, Indy enters West, and Lara enters East.
    The very first room is full of giant spiders; Indy’s revolver makes short work of them.
    One small bite and their poison will kill; nothing Lara can’t handle with her pistols.

    The next room is dark as night; Indy lights a torch and to his surprise
    the floor is covered by undead tigers, restless in their slumber.
    They smell blood, and they smell meat, but Indy is ever-quick on his feet.
    He cuts his palm on a nearby rock, covers his leather bag in blood.
    Just as those tigers near, he tosses his bag in the air.
    As one, those cats chase his scent, and he slips right by them.
    Facing tigers of her own, Lara’s flare casts a pink glow.
    She can see they’re blind as bats from years living in darkness.
    They hunt with their nose and ears; she needs to trick them that she’s near.
    The cave’s high ceiling plays with sound, so Lara screams louder than loud.
    Her voice bounces of all the walls, hits those tigers like a hundred war calls.
    In confusion, they begin to roar, adding to the echo score.
    As they crash and claw each other, Lara slips by without a bother.

    The next room is home to a ghost, he appears to Indy, a demanding host:
    "In the next chamber awaits your prize, but passage comes at a high price;
    The toll is a life or a limb; nothing less will get you in.”
    Indy wonders until his light bulb’s lit: “Ghost, I will give you my dear bullwhip;
    so often has it saved me from harm, I think of it as my third arm.”
    To this, the ghost responds: “I know this is a clever trick,
    but I respect its guile, so I accept.”

    In the east Lara faces the same grave toll; she uses what she knows from old scrolls:
    these undead worship cats as gods. She makes this bold claim to help her odds:
    "Sir, like many of your people, I am part feline—on my mother’s side;
    this makes me swift and nimble and gives me nine lives.
    I have one I can spare for you if you agree to let me through.”
    To this, the ghost responds: “I know this is a clever trick,
    but I respect its guile, so I accept.”

    Lara enters right, thinking she’s best, and in walks Indy from the left.
    They meet eyes in a long stare. They both know they’re almost there.
    As one their heads turn to the prize on the throne: the solid gold skull of the Queen of Bone.
    Though a scholar and a Doctor, Indy is still just a man—
    and men can’t bear to lose, and sometimes, they act too soon.
    But ever-patient Lara smells a trap—her wisdom screams  hold  back.
    She watches as Indy charges for treasure, hears as he calls out in pleasure,
    mere steps from victory—

    and then he cries out in fear! as the King from thin air appears
    and gives a swing of his club of wood—as only a king could.
    Jones crumbles to the floor, knocked out cold, he starts to snore.

    The King then takes a step towards Lara; she falls to her knees, palms stretched forward.
    In his language she humbly speaks, “Do you not wish to rest, My King?”
    And on this question he halts and says: “At times I tire of my task.
    But someone must guard my wife against ill intent.”
    "My King, I can be your guard. I can give your wife a new temple,
    a modern home called a museum where people will line up to see her,
    where she will be worshiped every day, where she will be treated like royalty.”
    The King taps his chin and weighs the choice, turns his ear to his queen’s silent voice.
    "The Queen says she likes this idea, and I learned early in my rule
    never to argue with that woman—it’s a duel I always lose.
    So, raider, we have a bargain, then, and I declare it a win-win:
    You get to keep your life, and I finally get to end mine.”
    He extends his hand in thanks, and as they shake, he fades away.

    Lara grabs the Queen’s Gold Skull and kneels to pinch Indy’s nose.
    She gives his cheeks a gentle pat; when he wakes, she hands him his hat.
    With a smile of jest, she says, “Let’s go home, Mr. Second-best.”

    EDIT: I decided to make a Lara-only version of this song, too. Check it out here.

    Tonight’s song is about a race between Lara Croft and Indiana Jones to see who is the Best Archaeologist Ever Known. When Meagan Marie—who manages Official Tomb Raider Blog—suggested I write songs for the important women in gaming, I happily accepted the challenge of highlighting the strengths of women in games. Lara is probably my favorite female character ever, so I wrote her an epic. Really, at seven minutes plus, this is Homeric in scope. Fandom like a boss. In my story, Lara and Indy have the strength and intelligence we expect; but it is Croft’s womanly wisdom that matters most in the end. The art of this is in the storytelling—the music merely provides a chugging rhythm. I painstakingly enunciated so you could understand the words, but they are a fun read. I put the lyrics and a full explanation of the songwriting process in a separate post; the lyrics are also in the video details on YouTube. Free downloads of this epic are available here.

    This song is dedicated to many blogs that I read during my extensive research on Lara Croft: Of course, Meagan Marie and the Official Tomb Raider Blog, and also larahcroft.blog.cz, Eidos’ Tomb Raider Forums, tombraideraddiction, captivatingcroft, raidercroft, twinpistolsf***yeahlaracrofttombraider, effyeahtombraidergirls, fyeahtombraider, lara-croft, tombraidingb*tch, and laracroft. Thanks for the inspiration, bloggers! I hope you all enjoy because I am certainly enjoying being the #Gaming Bard. – Kavalier Calm

    Listeners: Who do you think is the better archaeologist? Lara or Indy?

    When I first played Final Fantasy VII as a 13-year-old, a part of me really did love Tifa. She was tough and smart, and she really cared for Cloud. I remember envying Cloud during that flashback with he and Tifa sitting by the well in Nibelheim. I wanted a girl to ask me to be her hero. I think most boys have the heroic capacity; we are all just waiting for a girl to ask. But Cloud blew it! When he first sees Tifa again in Midgar, he is distant and acts like he’s too cool. Well, this song’s lyrics are what Cloud should have said—what I would have said if I found my childhood love working in a bar in the Sector 7 Slums. True fans of this classic will catch all the lyrical references and recognize the bits of music I borrowed from the game for the intro and outro. And don’t miss the chocobo’s wark!  I devote this song to the many awesome Tifa/FF7 blogs I read during my research: awyeahtifa, nibelheimsweetheart, lockhartsenpai, barmaid-tifalockhart, sweettifalockhart, badass-barmaid, finalheaven, cloudxtifa, clotiheaven, victoryfanfare, finalfantasyviiforever, a-false-memory, and just-use-a-phoenix-down. Thanks for the inspiration, bloggers! Free downloads of this track are here, and you can stream it/follow us on YouTube here. Enjoy everyone! — Kavalier Calm

         Final Heaven

    Tifa, a girl like you don’t belong in a place like Midgar.
    Don’t you know the ceiling is going to fall in on this bar?
    Run away with me, and I’ll take you to Costa del Sol and Gold Saucer.
    Oh, if you want, we can start a chocobo farm.

    Tifa, darling, how long you gonna work this dive?
    I can give you a better life.
    I can be your cloud, your cloud 9, your lucky number 7.
    I can be your final heaven.

    I know you’re tough as nails and pack quite a punch.
    But Shinra’s gonna come down hard on Sector 7 and AVALANCHE.
    I want you to look into my mako eyes and know the truth:
    I’ll use this here Buster Sword to protect you.
    I’ve reached my limit, so here comes the break.

    Don’t tell me I lost my chance; I was just a boy when we sat by that well.
    I want to make good on the promise I made beneath those stars.
    I’m your hero, and I’m here to rescue you, Lockhart.
    I’ll do everything in my power to care for your premium heart.

    Question to the Listeners: Are you a bigger Tifa or Aerith fan?


    Hi, everyone! Danna responded to my request for an image of PB with this awesome illustration. Now I’m posting the pairing audio—a love song that really extends the bubblegum metaphor. I assume everyone has had Big Chew before? And listen for a familiar sound at song’s end! I devote this song to Danna—whose other work you should all check out—and to these blogs with awesome PB content: bubblegum-princess, ask-peebs, thebubblegumprincess, asksugarlessgum, and princess-bonnibel-bubblegum. Free downloads of this track are here, and you can stream in on YouTube here. Thanks for listening! — Kavalier Calm

         My Big Chew

    Bubblegum, I’ll take you any way I can get you:
    stuck in my hair or on the bottom of my shoe.
    I’m not like all your other royal subjects.
    I ain’t your average piece of hard candy.
    I can be sweet, or I can be sour.
    Whatever you need, I’ll change by the hour.

    Bubblegum, I want you to be my big chew.

    I don’t care if you’re ABC;
    I’ve loved and lost a few of my own.
    And now all I know is I’d like the taste
    of you in my mouth each and every day.
    Bubblegum, I’ll take you any way I can get you:
    stuck in my hair or on the bottom of my shoe.

    Bubblegum, I want you to be my big chew.

    This Portal-themed song is in response to a request from Gabs over at the awesome blog The Awkward Gamer. Gabs told me to be sure to reference the infamous “the cake is a lie” line, so I made it the focus of my song. Fans will instantly notice that I borrowed the tune sung by GLaDOS at the end of Portal (“Still Alive" by Jonathan Coulton); I merely rewrote the lyrics from a disgruntled and hungry test subject’s point of view. It didn’t make sense to sing as the ever-silent Chell, so I wrote from our perspective—the many lab rats caught in Aperture Science’s maze. This song is dedicated to Gabs for the great request, and to these blogs with unique/quality Portal content: whatthechell, mathematicalerror, ask-glados-or-cavejohnson, fyeahhumanoidportal, f***yeahv4lve, videogamenostalgia, and gamefreaks. You can download this song for free here, and stream it/subscribe to us on YouTube here. Enjoy! — Kavalier

        The Cake Is A Lie

    This was a joke. I’m making a note here: EPIC FAIL.
    It’s hard to overstate my disappointment.
    Lab rat of science—that’s all I ever was.
    Because I can, I fought through the maze—trying to find cake.
    And there’s sense crying over all of the lies.
    You promised cake that doesn’t exist.
    But the Science got done, and you made your gun.
    And the truth dies with us lab rats.
    And I’m angry. I’m being so sincere right now.
    You didn’t care for my heart or if you killed me
    and tore me to pieces. You teleported my atoms
    and they burned as they transformed because I so hated you.
    And solving your puzzles may have made me smile.
    But I thought Alphas like me earned a treat.
    And I’m sad I played your dishonest game
    Now that I know the cake was a lie.
    Please don’t leave me. I want out of this labyrinth.
    I heard at Black Mesa they have brownies.
    And your fake cake can’t tempt me any longer.
    Look at me still solving puzzles like a good mouse.
    GLaDOS writes the rules in Aperture’s house.
    And I’ll work my way through these test chamber rooms.
    Even though the cake is a lie. And believe me the cake is a lie.
    The Science and cake is a lie. It feels AWFUL that the cake is a lie.
    Fellow lab rats, the cake is a lie. We are dying for a lie.
    The cake is a lie.

    So, lab rats…uh, I mean gamers, do you think the cake is a lie?

    Some of my followers noticed that I posted many fewer songs the last two weeks than usual. Here’s my story: I recently got a new position at work—my suit-wearing job—and my commute jumped from two hours round trip to five hours! This drastically reduced my time for writing songs each day (hence the low output). So there was only one thing to do: move. Now I live mere steps from work and can resume the efficiency that you all expect. Here’s a picture of the CI Studio in its new bedroom. It wasn’t easy finding roommates who were willing to host an avid songwriter—but I did, and I feel like I’ve found a good home. And I think being in a new place will inspire me. Thanks for listening everyone, and be sure to stay tuned in because I’m working on some awesome requests. — Kavalier Calm

    The poet-blogger Ana at dreamwriteinspire put in a request last night that we write a song about getting through tough times in life. She said:

    The battle I can’t win easily is against myself.

    I know what this means all too well. I just came through a rough patch in my life, full of self-doubt, so I thought about this all day. I wrote these lyrics during work, sent them to Eli, and he came up with this in about 30 minutes. Sometimes we just have to tell that negative voice in our head to shut up. Life’s always hard, but we have to keep positive—have a glass half-full view, unlike our inner devils. Thanks for the request, Ana. Enjoy everyone! — K.C.

         Devil On Our Shoulder

    Some days I wake up smiling, and a voice in my head laughs.
    He clears his throat and recites the laundry list of problems I have.
    Other days I wake up sad, but that voice don’t take a rest.
    He stokes the fire with his big breaths of sorry, ‘til I wish I was dead.

    We all got a devil on our shoulder with a glass half-empty view.
    When you’re down, he wants to take you deeper. You know it’s true:
    Your worst enemy is you.

    If I like what I see in the mirror, he points out all of my flaws.
    And every time the sun is shining, he swears the rain’s about to fall.
    And every time someone does me a good deed, he wonders what’s in it for them.
    Every time I pat myself on the back, he reminds me of all my sin.

    I’ll tell you what to do:
    Grab that devil and scream in his ear,
    "Devil, I’m sick of you living on my lapel. Shut your mouth and go to hell.
    Life is good and so am I, and I plan to have a damn good time.”

    Reblogging the first #gaming song I wrote for CI—“Ditto”, a Poke-love-song—with one of the funnier comments inspired by my work yet, courtesy of the blogger at allpokemonallthetime. You can find the original post here, free downloads here, and stream it on YouTube here. Enjoy! — Kavalier Calm


    one day i will find a pokeboy and i will be his pokegirl and we will cosplay as ash and misty and go to a con and everyone will take our picture and say how cute we are and then he’ll teach me how to not write run-on sentences and i will be so thankful


    I’m tired of living a Blue Version life.
    Day after day, everything appears more wild.
    I’m gonna hang up my red cap, and quit the gyms
    ‘cause I got a plan to fill my life with love again.
    I’m gonna catch me a Ditto and have it read your website.
    And when it transforms into you, I’ll ask it to be my wife.

    Cause I don’t got to catch them all.
    I just got to catch one like you.

    We’ll settle down in Pallet Town, and I’ll build a bird house.
    Pidgeys will come from all around to play in our yard.
    We’ll grow Cut flowers in the garden and go Surf at the beach,
    and we’ll Fish with my Old Rod for Magikarp.
    We’ll go spelunking in caves with our Flash(lights),
    and Dig our escape from all those Zubats.

    On days you don’t feel special, I’ll brew you elixirs
    to restore your PP (and your feelings for me).
    We’ll teach you how to swallow your laughter,
    so you don’t ever return to your true form.
    I’ll finally be a Master of a household.
    You’ll fill every page of my heart’s Pokédex.

    (Source: thenintendard, via flaaffytaffy)

    Tonight’s Final Fantasy-themed song—featuring FFIV’s Rydia, FFX’s Lulu, and FFIX’s Vivi—answers three great requests simultaneously. First, the blogger at blackmage-lulu asked me to give her favorite FF character some love, which I was glad to do. Next, the blogger at Xenite, who also manages the great gaming-music blog videogameosts, challenged me to write a song about FFIX. Vivi is one of my favorite characters ever, so I knew I wanted to write about him. Lastly, I asked the blogger at fyeahff to name another FF mage I could write about; I was unfamiliar with Rydia, so I enjoyed researching about her. After reading extensively about each character, I wrote this fictional tale about how they work together to save the day. Fans of these characters and games will appreciate the references. Free downloads of this song are here, and you can stream it on YouTube here. Thanks for the great requests, bloggers, and enjoy everyone! — Kavalier

         The Ice Cube Queen

    There once was a Queen who was cursed to a frozen tomb of ice
    when an evil, jealous witch rehearsed a spell out of spite.
    People came from all around to see The Ice Cube Queen
    and hear the King, from his royal edict read.
    The King wept at the loss of his love and promised half the royal jewels
    to any witch or wizard who could undo the curse and wash away his blues.

    The first witch to arrive was Rydia of the Mist.
    A summoner with black magic blood raised by Leviathan.
    She called upon Bahamut, Hallowed Father of Eidolons,
    But his Megaflare didn’t make that ice sweat one drop.

    The next witch to give it a shot was Lulu, Queen of Voodoo,
    loved for her fur-lined dress and feared for her short fuse.
    She asked her cactuar puppet to cast 10,000 needles.
    But as those spines bounced off the ice, her attempt looked feeble.

    The last wizard to appear was a Master Vivi.
    He tripped as he entered the throne room, and the King cried out hopelessly.
    But Vivi stood, straightened his hat, waved Lulu and Rydia close,
    and as he whispered in their ears, his black aura took over.
    They both grabbed his gloved hands and faced that giant cube,
    and as one they cast fire until a firaga grew.
    The heat melted the King’s gold throne and filled the room with steam.
    When it cleared, there in a puddle lay the queen.
    The King wept as he held his love, his one true royal jewel,
    and thanked the three for lifting the curse, and washing away his blues.

    Gamers, who is your favorite FF character?

    An unavoidable side-effect of some of my work getting love is it also gets hate. I’m fine with criticism, mainly because I’m my biggest critic. I’m not very fond of sweeping and unexplained rude comments about my craft, though. And I admit I almost let a troll win recently; for a millisecond I doubted what I’m doing with CI, thought about throwing in the towel. But then I remembered the enormous support I’ve had from listeners so far. I felt guilty about my self-doubt and realized I had to combat the emotion and what caused it. So, I wrote a song for trolling trolls. Whenever someone trolls on my work, I’m going to share this YouTube link of me playing this song. I welcome you to do the same to the trolls in your life. This could be like rickrolling or trolololing for the good guys. I should clarify that I’m not opposed to all trolling; in fact, I enjoy and participate in the craft of witty, logic-based trolling. I’m against hate-based trolling, the kind that needlessly hurts feelings and adds ammunition to the people and companies trying to rob our right to anonymity on the internet. I dedicate this song to these Tumblr blogs with great trolling content: f***yeahtrollface, trollfacecomic, trollhatesyou, trolldadcomic, trollthisway, trollney, and foreveralonecomic. Downloads of this track are available here and on YouTube here. I hope others enjoy this and find it to be a useful counter-attack. — Kavalier Calm


    Troll, I bet you were bullied in grade school:
    the kids laughed at your macaroni art.
    And now in the name of karma,
    you use the internet to spread your hurt.
    Well, two wrongs don’t make a right,
    and you hurt our right to anonymity.

    I bet you’re pushed around at work
    all day by some a-hole boss,
    and rather than stand up to him,
    you power trip on message boards.
    Your troll mother should have taught you:
    if you have nothing nice to say, shut up.

    Troll, you don’t like my song?
    Well, it wasn’t written for you.
    Shove that comment somewhere dark
    and find something better to do.

    And I know you’ve never been in love
    ‘cause you don’t know how to forgive flaws.
    You must get tired of being right all the time,
    as tired as everyone is of you.
    Well, haters gonna hate,
    and haters gonna be lonely.

    And troll, don’t give up hope; we can still be friends
    if you learn to be nice and see the bright side of things.
    But if you insist to be glass half-empty, cold, cruel, and rude,
    then I only have one thing to say to you.

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