Kavalier Calm's Crowdsource Inspiration

I'm KC, The People's Bard. I write songs and poems inspired by the people I meet on the internet. Ask, and I’ll write something for you.
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  • Cosplayers, this love song is for you. I was first inspired to write a song about cosplay when I saw breams' blog a couple weeks ago. Since then, I have been reading these great blogs for more lyric ideas: gammagahato, fyeakkickasscosplay, fuckyearfinalfantasycosplay, daily-pokemon-cosplays, cosplay-society, loverscosplay, cutecosplayers, and thelittlecosplaythings. I hope all you cosplayers enjoy! Free downloads of this song are available here, and you can stream this on YouTube here. — Kavalier Calm

         More Than Pretend

    When we met, you were so happy
    to meet someone who could play Vash the Stampede.
    When we met, I was just happy
    that somebody was talking to me.

    When we’re together, we play hero and heroine.
    But just once I want to play boyfriend and girlfriend.
    How do I tell you my love is more than pretend?

    We’ve been Aerith and Cloud, Ash and Misty;
    we’ve gone to Comic-con and costume parties.
    You do my make up, and I dye your hair.
    You laugh as I brush it with my hands.


    And you try on your costumes right in front of me.
    Do you think I’m a robot? That I don’t have feelings?
    Well, I can compute every last inch of you,
    and it fills me with joy, and it fills me with hunger.
    A hunger to be real.

    So I go online and buy a bow and arrow,
    a pair of gold boots, and little wings.
    And I go to your room, and I sit you down,
    and at the top of my Cupid lungs, I sing:

    Do you understand? This isn’t pretend.

    And you grab an arrow out of my quiver,
    tuck it under your arm and say, “Yes.”
    And you give me a hug and a kiss on the neck,
    and then I know that we’re more than pretend.

    Here’s a tune hot off the press from Elijah Cash. We devote it, firstly, to the blogger/artist over at maxxiemayhem for sketching our new icon/avatar. She created a visual representation of crowdsourcing inspiration, just as I envisioned it. Those many hands playing that guitar are all of your hands—all you people inspiring us. You should check out the other work on her blog, too. We also devote this post to some cool blogs we just found searching #blues #coming home: music-talks, soulnourishment, and thelifesomewhatartistic. Thanks for posting cool content. Enjoy everyone! — K.C.

         Coming Home To You

    Baby, I’m coming home to you.

    And I understand if you don’t want me back.
    I shouldn’t have fallen for that woman’s tricks.

    And I understand if you lock that door.
    I was a fool for wanting more than you.

    You can ask, why’d I leave.
    And I only got one answer: because I’m weak.

    When I first played Final Fantasy VII as a 13-year-old, a part of me really did love Tifa. She was tough and smart, and she really cared for Cloud. I remember envying Cloud during that flashback with he and Tifa sitting by the well in Nibelheim. I wanted a girl to ask me to be her hero. I think most boys have the heroic capacity; we are all just waiting for a girl to ask. But Cloud blew it! When he first sees Tifa again in Midgar, he is distant and acts like he’s too cool. Well, this song’s lyrics are what Cloud should have said—what I would have said if I found my childhood love working in a bar in the Sector 7 Slums. True fans of this classic will catch all the lyrical references and recognize the bits of music I borrowed from the game for the intro and outro. And don’t miss the chocobo’s wark!  I devote this song to the many awesome Tifa/FF7 blogs I read during my research: awyeahtifa, nibelheimsweetheart, lockhartsenpai, barmaid-tifalockhart, sweettifalockhart, badass-barmaid, finalheaven, cloudxtifa, clotiheaven, victoryfanfare, finalfantasyviiforever, a-false-memory, and just-use-a-phoenix-down. Thanks for the inspiration, bloggers! Free downloads of this track are here, and you can stream it/follow us on YouTube here. Enjoy everyone! — Kavalier Calm

         Final Heaven

    Tifa, a girl like you don’t belong in a place like Midgar.
    Don’t you know the ceiling is going to fall in on this bar?
    Run away with me, and I’ll take you to Costa del Sol and Gold Saucer.
    Oh, if you want, we can start a chocobo farm.

    Tifa, darling, how long you gonna work this dive?
    I can give you a better life.
    I can be your cloud, your cloud 9, your lucky number 7.
    I can be your final heaven.

    I know you’re tough as nails and pack quite a punch.
    But Shinra’s gonna come down hard on Sector 7 and AVALANCHE.
    I want you to look into my mako eyes and know the truth:
    I’ll use this here Buster Sword to protect you.
    I’ve reached my limit, so here comes the break.

    Don’t tell me I lost my chance; I was just a boy when we sat by that well.
    I want to make good on the promise I made beneath those stars.
    I’m your hero, and I’m here to rescue you, Lockhart.
    I’ll do everything in my power to care for your premium heart.

    Question to the Listeners: Are you a bigger Tifa or Aerith fan?


    Hi, everyone! Danna responded to my request for an image of PB with this awesome illustration. Now I’m posting the pairing audio—a love song that really extends the bubblegum metaphor. I assume everyone has had Big Chew before? And listen for a familiar sound at song’s end! I devote this song to Danna—whose other work you should all check out—and to these blogs with awesome PB content: bubblegum-princess, ask-peebs, thebubblegumprincess, asksugarlessgum, and princess-bonnibel-bubblegum. Free downloads of this track are here, and you can stream in on YouTube here. Thanks for listening! — Kavalier Calm

         My Big Chew

    Bubblegum, I’ll take you any way I can get you:
    stuck in my hair or on the bottom of my shoe.
    I’m not like all your other royal subjects.
    I ain’t your average piece of hard candy.
    I can be sweet, or I can be sour.
    Whatever you need, I’ll change by the hour.

    Bubblegum, I want you to be my big chew.

    I don’t care if you’re ABC;
    I’ve loved and lost a few of my own.
    And now all I know is I’d like the taste
    of you in my mouth each and every day.
    Bubblegum, I’ll take you any way I can get you:
    stuck in my hair or on the bottom of my shoe.

    Bubblegum, I want you to be my big chew.

    This Portal-themed song is in response to a request from Gabs over at the awesome blog The Awkward Gamer. Gabs told me to be sure to reference the infamous “the cake is a lie” line, so I made it the focus of my song. Fans will instantly notice that I borrowed the tune sung by GLaDOS at the end of Portal (“Still Alive" by Jonathan Coulton); I merely rewrote the lyrics from a disgruntled and hungry test subject’s point of view. It didn’t make sense to sing as the ever-silent Chell, so I wrote from our perspective—the many lab rats caught in Aperture Science’s maze. This song is dedicated to Gabs for the great request, and to these blogs with unique/quality Portal content: whatthechell, mathematicalerror, ask-glados-or-cavejohnson, fyeahhumanoidportal, f***yeahv4lve, videogamenostalgia, and gamefreaks. You can download this song for free here, and stream it/subscribe to us on YouTube here. Enjoy! — Kavalier

        The Cake Is A Lie

    This was a joke. I’m making a note here: EPIC FAIL.
    It’s hard to overstate my disappointment.
    Lab rat of science—that’s all I ever was.
    Because I can, I fought through the maze—trying to find cake.
    And there’s sense crying over all of the lies.
    You promised cake that doesn’t exist.
    But the Science got done, and you made your gun.
    And the truth dies with us lab rats.
    And I’m angry. I’m being so sincere right now.
    You didn’t care for my heart or if you killed me
    and tore me to pieces. You teleported my atoms
    and they burned as they transformed because I so hated you.
    And solving your puzzles may have made me smile.
    But I thought Alphas like me earned a treat.
    And I’m sad I played your dishonest game
    Now that I know the cake was a lie.
    Please don’t leave me. I want out of this labyrinth.
    I heard at Black Mesa they have brownies.
    And your fake cake can’t tempt me any longer.
    Look at me still solving puzzles like a good mouse.
    GLaDOS writes the rules in Aperture’s house.
    And I’ll work my way through these test chamber rooms.
    Even though the cake is a lie. And believe me the cake is a lie.
    The Science and cake is a lie. It feels AWFUL that the cake is a lie.
    Fellow lab rats, the cake is a lie. We are dying for a lie.
    The cake is a lie.

    So, lab rats…uh, I mean gamers, do you think the cake is a lie?

    Some of my followers noticed that I posted many fewer songs the last two weeks than usual. Here’s my story: I recently got a new position at work—my suit-wearing job—and my commute jumped from two hours round trip to five hours! This drastically reduced my time for writing songs each day (hence the low output). So there was only one thing to do: move. Now I live mere steps from work and can resume the efficiency that you all expect. Here’s a picture of the CI Studio in its new bedroom. It wasn’t easy finding roommates who were willing to host an avid songwriter—but I did, and I feel like I’ve found a good home. And I think being in a new place will inspire me. Thanks for listening everyone, and be sure to stay tuned in because I’m working on some awesome requests. — Kavalier Calm

    The poet-blogger Ana at dreamwriteinspire put in a request last night that we write a song about getting through tough times in life. She said:

    The battle I can’t win easily is against myself.

    I know what this means all too well. I just came through a rough patch in my life, full of self-doubt, so I thought about this all day. I wrote these lyrics during work, sent them to Eli, and he came up with this in about 30 minutes. Sometimes we just have to tell that negative voice in our head to shut up. Life’s always hard, but we have to keep positive—have a glass half-full view, unlike our inner devils. Thanks for the request, Ana. Enjoy everyone! — K.C.

         Devil On Our Shoulder

    Some days I wake up smiling, and a voice in my head laughs.
    He clears his throat and recites the laundry list of problems I have.
    Other days I wake up sad, but that voice don’t take a rest.
    He stokes the fire with his big breaths of sorry, ‘til I wish I was dead.

    We all got a devil on our shoulder with a glass half-empty view.
    When you’re down, he wants to take you deeper. You know it’s true:
    Your worst enemy is you.

    If I like what I see in the mirror, he points out all of my flaws.
    And every time the sun is shining, he swears the rain’s about to fall.
    And every time someone does me a good deed, he wonders what’s in it for them.
    Every time I pat myself on the back, he reminds me of all my sin.

    I’ll tell you what to do:
    Grab that devil and scream in his ear,
    "Devil, I’m sick of you living on my lapel. Shut your mouth and go to hell.
    Life is good and so am I, and I plan to have a damn good time.”

    Reblogging the first #gaming song I wrote for CI—“Ditto”, a Poke-love-song—with one of the funnier comments inspired by my work yet, courtesy of the blogger at allpokemonallthetime. You can find the original post here, free downloads here, and stream it on YouTube here. Enjoy! — Kavalier Calm


    one day i will find a pokeboy and i will be his pokegirl and we will cosplay as ash and misty and go to a con and everyone will take our picture and say how cute we are and then he’ll teach me how to not write run-on sentences and i will be so thankful


    I’m tired of living a Blue Version life.
    Day after day, everything appears more wild.
    I’m gonna hang up my red cap, and quit the gyms
    ‘cause I got a plan to fill my life with love again.
    I’m gonna catch me a Ditto and have it read your website.
    And when it transforms into you, I’ll ask it to be my wife.

    Cause I don’t got to catch them all.
    I just got to catch one like you.

    We’ll settle down in Pallet Town, and I’ll build a bird house.
    Pidgeys will come from all around to play in our yard.
    We’ll grow Cut flowers in the garden and go Surf at the beach,
    and we’ll Fish with my Old Rod for Magikarp.
    We’ll go spelunking in caves with our Flash(lights),
    and Dig our escape from all those Zubats.

    On days you don’t feel special, I’ll brew you elixirs
    to restore your PP (and your feelings for me).
    We’ll teach you how to swallow your laughter,
    so you don’t ever return to your true form.
    I’ll finally be a Master of a household.
    You’ll fill every page of my heart’s Pokédex.

    (Source: thenintendard, via flaaffytaffy)

    Tonight’s Final Fantasy-themed song—featuring FFIV’s Rydia, FFX’s Lulu, and FFIX’s Vivi—answers three great requests simultaneously. First, the blogger at blackmage-lulu asked me to give her favorite FF character some love, which I was glad to do. Next, the blogger at Xenite, who also manages the great gaming-music blog videogameosts, challenged me to write a song about FFIX. Vivi is one of my favorite characters ever, so I knew I wanted to write about him. Lastly, I asked the blogger at fyeahff to name another FF mage I could write about; I was unfamiliar with Rydia, so I enjoyed researching about her. After reading extensively about each character, I wrote this fictional tale about how they work together to save the day. Fans of these characters and games will appreciate the references. Free downloads of this song are here, and you can stream it on YouTube here. Thanks for the great requests, bloggers, and enjoy everyone! — Kavalier

         The Ice Cube Queen

    There once was a Queen who was cursed to a frozen tomb of ice
    when an evil, jealous witch rehearsed a spell out of spite.
    People came from all around to see The Ice Cube Queen
    and hear the King, from his royal edict read.
    The King wept at the loss of his love and promised half the royal jewels
    to any witch or wizard who could undo the curse and wash away his blues.

    The first witch to arrive was Rydia of the Mist.
    A summoner with black magic blood raised by Leviathan.
    She called upon Bahamut, Hallowed Father of Eidolons,
    But his Megaflare didn’t make that ice sweat one drop.

    The next witch to give it a shot was Lulu, Queen of Voodoo,
    loved for her fur-lined dress and feared for her short fuse.
    She asked her cactuar puppet to cast 10,000 needles.
    But as those spines bounced off the ice, her attempt looked feeble.

    The last wizard to appear was a Master Vivi.
    He tripped as he entered the throne room, and the King cried out hopelessly.
    But Vivi stood, straightened his hat, waved Lulu and Rydia close,
    and as he whispered in their ears, his black aura took over.
    They both grabbed his gloved hands and faced that giant cube,
    and as one they cast fire until a firaga grew.
    The heat melted the King’s gold throne and filled the room with steam.
    When it cleared, there in a puddle lay the queen.
    The King wept as he held his love, his one true royal jewel,
    and thanked the three for lifting the curse, and washing away his blues.

    Gamers, who is your favorite FF character?

    An unavoidable side-effect of some of my work getting love is it also gets hate. I’m fine with criticism, mainly because I’m my biggest critic. I’m not very fond of sweeping and unexplained rude comments about my craft, though. And I admit I almost let a troll win recently; for a millisecond I doubted what I’m doing with CI, thought about throwing in the towel. But then I remembered the enormous support I’ve had from listeners so far. I felt guilty about my self-doubt and realized I had to combat the emotion and what caused it. So, I wrote a song for trolling trolls. Whenever someone trolls on my work, I’m going to share this YouTube link of me playing this song. I welcome you to do the same to the trolls in your life. This could be like rickrolling or trolololing for the good guys. I should clarify that I’m not opposed to all trolling; in fact, I enjoy and participate in the craft of witty, logic-based trolling. I’m against hate-based trolling, the kind that needlessly hurts feelings and adds ammunition to the people and companies trying to rob our right to anonymity on the internet. I dedicate this song to these Tumblr blogs with great trolling content: f***yeahtrollface, trollfacecomic, trollhatesyou, trolldadcomic, trollthisway, trollney, and foreveralonecomic. Downloads of this track are available here and on YouTube here. I hope others enjoy this and find it to be a useful counter-attack. — Kavalier Calm


    Troll, I bet you were bullied in grade school:
    the kids laughed at your macaroni art.
    And now in the name of karma,
    you use the internet to spread your hurt.
    Well, two wrongs don’t make a right,
    and you hurt our right to anonymity.

    I bet you’re pushed around at work
    all day by some a-hole boss,
    and rather than stand up to him,
    you power trip on message boards.
    Your troll mother should have taught you:
    if you have nothing nice to say, shut up.

    Troll, you don’t like my song?
    Well, it wasn’t written for you.
    Shove that comment somewhere dark
    and find something better to do.

    And I know you’ve never been in love
    ‘cause you don’t know how to forgive flaws.
    You must get tired of being right all the time,
    as tired as everyone is of you.
    Well, haters gonna hate,
    and haters gonna be lonely.

    And troll, don’t give up hope; we can still be friends
    if you learn to be nice and see the bright side of things.
    But if you insist to be glass half-empty, cold, cruel, and rude,
    then I only have one thing to say to you.

    Elijah Cash just wrote this song because he’s playing at a bar tomorrow night and wants to sing something situationally appropriate. We devote this post to some cool blogs we just found that recently posted about #whiskey: novembersilence, 90s1hitwonder, imgur, arcticsounds, pulpfcknfiction, and therewillbebourbon. Enjoy listeners! Oh, and the first round’s on us. — K.C.

         Whiskey River

    When the week’s been long, and you just want to let go.
    There’s a drink that will make you feel right at home.

    Won’t you come and take a swim with me my friend?
    In whiskey river.

    If you’ve never been to a watering hole,
    I can teach you how to hold your own.
    The bite of fire water can make a man drown,
    but he’ll be smiling the whole way down.

    You’ve got Jack, and you’ve got Jim, and you’ve got John Jameson.
    Serve it warm or on the rocks, I’ll take it any way you got.
    We’re all just one shot glass away
    from diving head first into whiskey haze.

    This song answers a brilliant request from  kevinapocalypse at the great gaming blog theredherb. He suggested that I write a song for the true hero of early Resident Evil games: The Save Room. These rare rooms had a typewriter for saving and an inventory box for swapping items. After dealing with the undead chaos, these rooms felt like “sanctuaries” to him. He also noted the beautiful music in these rooms, which I listened to much this week and like to think affected my writing (I had about a dozen creepier riffs that didn’t make the cut for this). So, I always push a request’s envelope, right? I agree with him that these places are sanctuaries—as the room with a save point is in many games. But there is another side to the coin. Programmers don’t give us a save point to congratulate us for our hard work; it’s usually a sign that something very bad is about to happen. Thus, save rooms are sanctuaries, but they are also just the calm before the storm. I dedicate this song to theredherb and also to these rad RE blogs I’ve been following for some time: hellyesesidentevilseries, residentevil-fanart, girls-kill-zombies-deader, resievilfan, and f***yeahresidentevil. Free downloads of this track are available here. Enjoy RE fans and fellow-gamers! — Kavalier Calm

         The Calm Before The Storm

    Finally. A place to rest.
    You’ve pumped bullets into so many zombie heads
    you only have half a clip left
    and HP in the single-digits.
    The music here is soft,
    and you have the time to collect your thoughts,
    organize your items,
    and plan for what’s next.

    But don’t let your guard down.
    This safe place is not a prize
    for all those hard fights;
    it’s the calm before the storm.

    What do you think this ammo’s for?
    Why did the programmers let you save your state?
    Because a boss is just around the bend,
    ready to make you RESET.
    Did you think it would get easier?
    You’ve won a battle not the war.
    The undead are plotting their offensive
    right outside that door.

    So you better save, maybe in two slots.
    Grab all the ammunition you got.
    Leave that unused weapon behind,
    so you can carry all the herbs you find.
    'Cause it's coming, the final push;
    wave your calm goodbye.
    You won’t feel safe again,
    'til those final credits roll by.

    I go to concerts to recharge my aesthetic battery, and Andrew Bird and Patrick Watson built me back up to full bars last night. Stylistically, what we are doing at CI couldn’t be more different than what those gentlemen do. We are minimalists; they use big walls of sound and sometimes-complicated music math. But style aside, I like to think we have the same quirky, honest heart at the core of our music. When the show began, Elijah Cash instantly fell in love with Ms. Mélanie Bélair, the violinist in Patrick Watson. It took me awhile to dig up her name because she is not a regular member of the band; she’s a gun for hire, if you will. When we got home last night, Eli wrote this song for Mélanie instead of sleeping (recharged battery, right?). We recorded it this afternoon. I think it is some of his—our—best work yet: just two simple, raw, honest tracks. Thus is the effect of a beautiful woman. Now if I could only find a way to get the song in her hands, for Eli’s sake. We devote this posting to these cool blogs that recently tagged Patrick Watson: patrickwatson, titularhumor, eatthemicrophone, listenables, themeatandthemarrow, and communionmusic. Enjoy everyone! If interested, free downloads of this track are here. — Kavalier Calm

         Push The Envelope

    If love’s an envelope,
    I’ll push it to your side of the table.
    A man must take a chance
    to win a woman’s favor.

    Take this hand writ letter if it ain’t too bold.
    I hope you blush at the words enclosed.
    If you like what you read,
    push that envelope back towards me.

    I tremble when I see you.
    I know I must do all I can.
    I’ll buy every stamp in the world
    to get these words into your hands.

    I can promise you,
    love letters every day.
    Yeah, I will whisper words,
    and verbs, and cures, and sweet nothings in your ear.

    Tonight’s song is about a girl…or Pikachu? I focused on the classic character and Poke-language while I wrote the lyrics to this love song: “Electric Mouse”. I’ve italicized the lyrics where I’m specifically referencing Poke-lore or a moment in the show or video games. Some are obvious, and others are subtle; do you understand them all, true fans? I’m devoting this song to some of my favorite Poke-blogs, which everyone should check out: pikachusblog, f***-yeahpokemon, pkmnblue, pokemonforever-, pokemonftwlulz, allpokemonallthetime, pokemonpalooza, all-that-is-pokemon, and nerdchallenge. If you like this tune, check out my other Poke-songs on our Popular Songs page. Free downloads of this song are here, and you can stream it on YouTube here. Thanks for listening! — Kavalier Calm

         Electric Mouse

    Your lightning bolt-looks and swift wit
    have a special power over me.
    When you blush, sparks fly
    from the red on your cheeks.

    Electric mouse, I choose you. Won’t you choose me?
    Electric mouse, I choose you. You’re all I need.

    You refuse to live in a bubble;
    you’re strong and want to stand on your own.
    Well, I ain’t asking you to evolve;
    I just don’t want to stand alone.
    Even the toughest sometimes need a hand
    to fight off Spearow.

    I bet those other cats—them Meowth
    promise to fly you away in a Team Rocketship.
    But I’ll stand right here on the ground
    and work to grant your every wish.
    Let’s train to fight and and train to love;
    I know we’ll be the best there ever was.

    Elijah Cash wrote a song for the good people at our favorite bar in Washington, DC: The Getaway. If you’re ever in DC, you should make a trip. Enjoy, listeners! — Kavalier

         The Getaway

    I know a place in Columbia Heights
    where everyone goes to get high.
    They pour your drinks nice and tall,
    so you can forget it all.

    At The Getaway, that’s just what we do.
    Come on, my friends, I want to get away with you.

    Some get away from their desk jobs;
    they’re tired of wearing a suit.
    They slave away all day
    for The Man in their cubes.
    Some get away from the bad news
    up on The Hill:
    Politics and back stabbings,
    white-collar cheap thrills.

    Some get away from the loneliness
    filling up their mind.
    Once they have a drink,
    everything feels just fine.
    Well the gods of booze and a few good men
    built us this place,
    so we escape artists
    can get away.

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