Kavalier Calm's Crowdsource Inspiration

Hi. I'm Kavalier Calm. I write songs and poems inspired by the people I meet on the internet. Ask, and I’ll write something for you. Really.
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  • This Portal-themed song is in response to a request from Gabs over at the awesome blog The Awkward Gamer. Gabs told me to be sure to reference the infamous “the cake is a lie” line, so I made it the focus of my song. Fans will instantly notice that I borrowed the tune sung by GLaDOS at the end of Portal (“Still Alive" by Jonathan Coulton); I merely rewrote the lyrics from a disgruntled and hungry test subject’s point of view. It didn’t make sense to sing as the ever-silent Chell, so I wrote from our perspective—the many lab rats caught in Aperture Science’s maze. This song is dedicated to Gabs for the great request, and to these blogs with unique/quality Portal content: whatthechell, mathematicalerror, ask-glados-or-cavejohnson, fyeahhumanoidportal, f***yeahv4lve, videogamenostalgia, and gamefreaks. You can download this song for free here, and stream it/subscribe to us on YouTube here. Enjoy! — Kavalier

        The Cake Is A Lie

    This was a joke. I’m making a note here: EPIC FAIL.
    It’s hard to overstate my disappointment.
    Lab rat of science—that’s all I ever was.
    Because I can, I fought through the maze—trying to find cake.
    And there’s sense crying over all of the lies.
    You promised cake that doesn’t exist.
    But the Science got done, and you made your gun.
    And the truth dies with us lab rats.
    And I’m angry. I’m being so sincere right now.
    You didn’t care for my heart or if you killed me
    and tore me to pieces. You teleported my atoms
    and they burned as they transformed because I so hated you.
    And solving your puzzles may have made me smile.
    But I thought Alphas like me earned a treat.
    And I’m sad I played your dishonest game
    Now that I know the cake was a lie.
    Please don’t leave me. I want out of this labyrinth.
    I heard at Black Mesa they have brownies.
    THIS IS NO JOKE. I WANT TO BE A FAT RAT.
    And your fake cake can’t tempt me any longer.
    Look at me still solving puzzles like a good mouse.
    GLaDOS writes the rules in Aperture’s house.
    And I’ll work my way through these test chamber rooms.
    Even though the cake is a lie. And believe me the cake is a lie.
    The Science and cake is a lie. It feels AWFUL that the cake is a lie.
    Fellow lab rats, the cake is a lie. We are dying for a lie.
    The cake is a lie.

    So, lab rats…uh, I mean gamers, do you think the cake is a lie?

    373 notes

    1. ladydidichan reblogged this from videogamenostalgia
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    15. eirefortune reblogged this from zahmbe
    16. zfb reblogged this from crowdsourceinspiration and added:
      The Cake Is A Lie This was a joke. I’m making a note here: EPIC FAIL. It’s hard to overstate my disappointment. Lab rat...
    17. zahmbe reblogged this from crowdsourceinspiration and added:
      …. Interesting…?
    18. sixbrandon reblogged this from videogamenostalgia
    19. longberg answered: The lie is the cake
    20. thelightsbedamned reblogged this from x-360
    21. thequeenofthephonies reblogged this from videogamenostalgia
    22. furryfemboy answered: tots tots teh cake is a lie the pie is for real
    23. hybridthry reblogged this from crowdsourceinspiration
    24. derekallendean reblogged this from crowdsourceinspiration